Just keep moving forward

I have my old accompanist back. I have a new voice teacher. All of a sudden, it seems like so many things are moving forward at once! Maybe a little bit too fast, even.

I finally gathered enough courage to reach out to Jennifer Blades, a mezzo-soprano with whom my old friend Tania has been taking lessons from. She has graciously agreed to accept me into her studio. I will be meeting her this Thursday, and have a voice lesson again, for the first time in 4 years. I'm giddy and anxious at the same time. I have only heard good things about Jen. I have no doubt that with her help, I will get my voice back in no time. Oh, to actually sing again, for the first time after so long! 

I had my necessary few hours of wallowing in self-pity and low self-esteem today. I think I just had to get it out of my system some more, even if it has to be a few chunks at a time over some time. What if I'm just not good enough? What if I'll never be good enough at anything, no matter what I do and how hard I try? What if I'm a lousy musician, rider, yogi, and even wife? What if I'm doing everything wrong, messing everything up, and improving too slowly? What if I'm not improving fast enough for anyone's standards? What if I'll never make it in anything, jack of all trades, master of none? What if "they" were right about me?

I confessed to Ezra that there are times, when even though I want to go riding all the time, I don't feel up for going riding because honestly, I'm afraid; I'm afraid of not being able to tell if I'm doing things right; I'm afraid of going riding and then not riding well; I'm afraid of making some major mistakes, not have a good ride, come home disappointed; I'm afraid of not even knowing if I'm riding poorly, thus practicing toward even more bad habits and bad equitation. It was good to finally let it out and hear myself say it out loud, to someone who knows and understands me well. I guess I just had to hear it from Ezra, my ever pragmatic, practical, and encouraging husband: "if you're having fun, isn't that what matters?"

Now, let's try something else. What if I'm an amazing musician, rider, yogi, and wife? What if I've been doing everything right? What if I'm improving and getting better at what I do everyday, and excelling in everything that I've chosen to be a part of that makes me happy in my life? What if I'm actually great at what I do, all of it? What if there is absolutely no reason for me to have any doubt about myself, and my capabilities? What if my new voice teacher will totally love me?

I've gotten it all out. Now, let it go. Let it go for good. I will not let "them" win. "They" cannot, will never get to dictate my level of success. I am awesome, and I'm great at everything that I love doing. No matter what happens, no one can make me stop believing in myself, and I will win!