I took a trip to Towson yesterday. I did not cry or turn around and start speeding in the opposite direction as soon as I saw the campus, so that was a very good thing. I could see that many changes and upgrades have been made. Yay 150th anniversary, go Tigers! I got my new ID card, paid for my fall semester parking permit, bought two notebooks and an assignment planner book from the book store, then went to the registrar and got the in-school deferment forms for my two student loans signed. It was a good deal of walking that actually left me hungry and thirsty when I was done. Four years later, I'm discovering just how big and how far spread out Towson University is, when I don't have a faculty/staff parking permit anymore, like I did before with my graduate assistant gig, and everything seems so far away from where I can park now. Remind me to not wear high heels to school. I took the big step of going inside the center for the arts building, where pretty much all of the painful memories are stored. Those flights of stairs from the ground level of the parking garage to the top floor of the building can no longer knock the air out of me. I walked through those familiar hallways, and not surprisingly, most of the offices and studios were unoccupied, and there was barely anybody around at all. I did choose a not busy time to go on campus for a reason.
When I got everything that I needed to do done, I had some time to think when I sat down in one of the dining halls with my lunch. I would've lied had I said that I didn't miss Towson University at all over the last four years. Yes, I'm looking forward to going there again, and being a part of the music education department again, even with its new professors whom I don't even know yet. What I'm doing now is living proof that I have refused to let the military as well as the voice department ruin my life. I'm not giving up. I'm not letting them win. I have so much to be grateful now, and so much left in me still. Small things, like I can now drive to school in a much nicer car, go to a dining area to buy real food as opposed to just snacks, and walk through center for the arts with my head held up high matter to me. I'm no longer a scared, sniveling 22-year-old who was overly concerned with pleasing and what others thought of her. The days of me being eager to be at the beck and call of everyone who was anyone are long gone. I am 28 years old, and I have found my power, as well as my true voice. Nobody, no department, can dictate my education experiences, because this is my choice, and I get to decide what I do with it.
I organized my school supplies into my designated school bag, the same one that I used the last time I went to Towson, funnily. I'm ready to go back to school, excited to be a student again. This time is going to be different. I'm sure of it. This time, I'm different, and I'm better for it. I'm going to do great, and I'm going to have fun. I plan on hiring my old accompanist for my graduate recital. Since there's of course, no one currently on the voice faculty that I'm interested in taking lessons with, I do hope to find a suitable voice teacher in the near future to help me put together a full recital repertoire. If/when that happens, it's going to be a teacher worth my time and money, and he/she is going to work for me, not the other way around. I'm also relieved to know that the drive from North East to Towson and back is not a difficult one at all. Barring anything stupid happening on 95 and/or 695, I can pretty much count on making it in 45 minutes each way, a reasonable commute for a Marylander.
I'm going to be really sad if there isn't another time slot opening up for ashtanga yoga in the fall. When school starts in a couple of weeks, I'm going to have to be in class at Towson on Wednesday evenings, and the thought of no more ashtanga and not seeing Tracy again is not a pleasant one. I've learned so much since I started taking that class, and Tracy really teaches me well. I got this close to a full head stand in class yesterday. Oh so close! Perhaps by the end of this month, I'll be able to actually push myself up all the way. Must keep working hard, must keep practicing! To me, I'm doing well, and my yoga practice is only blooming wider and wider. I do fully realize that it won't be easy for me to juggle classes, schoolwork, yoga, riding, and various lessons when the semester starts. But I also know that I need to take good care of myself and have enough of my own time, all of which I'm going to continue getting from yoga and riding. If I want something enough, I can make it happen. I can work around everything, and I can make more time for it. In the end, I know more than anyone else that it's worth it, and that it's what makes me happy.
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