Just keep moving forward

I have my old accompanist back. I have a new voice teacher. All of a sudden, it seems like so many things are moving forward at once! Maybe a little bit too fast, even.

I finally gathered enough courage to reach out to Jennifer Blades, a mezzo-soprano with whom my old friend Tania has been taking lessons from. She has graciously agreed to accept me into her studio. I will be meeting her this Thursday, and have a voice lesson again, for the first time in 4 years. I'm giddy and anxious at the same time. I have only heard good things about Jen. I have no doubt that with her help, I will get my voice back in no time. Oh, to actually sing again, for the first time after so long! 

I had my necessary few hours of wallowing in self-pity and low self-esteem today. I think I just had to get it out of my system some more, even if it has to be a few chunks at a time over some time. What if I'm just not good enough? What if I'll never be good enough at anything, no matter what I do and how hard I try? What if I'm a lousy musician, rider, yogi, and even wife? What if I'm doing everything wrong, messing everything up, and improving too slowly? What if I'm not improving fast enough for anyone's standards? What if I'll never make it in anything, jack of all trades, master of none? What if "they" were right about me?

I confessed to Ezra that there are times, when even though I want to go riding all the time, I don't feel up for going riding because honestly, I'm afraid; I'm afraid of not being able to tell if I'm doing things right; I'm afraid of going riding and then not riding well; I'm afraid of making some major mistakes, not have a good ride, come home disappointed; I'm afraid of not even knowing if I'm riding poorly, thus practicing toward even more bad habits and bad equitation. It was good to finally let it out and hear myself say it out loud, to someone who knows and understands me well. I guess I just had to hear it from Ezra, my ever pragmatic, practical, and encouraging husband: "if you're having fun, isn't that what matters?"

Now, let's try something else. What if I'm an amazing musician, rider, yogi, and wife? What if I've been doing everything right? What if I'm improving and getting better at what I do everyday, and excelling in everything that I've chosen to be a part of that makes me happy in my life? What if I'm actually great at what I do, all of it? What if there is absolutely no reason for me to have any doubt about myself, and my capabilities? What if my new voice teacher will totally love me?

I've gotten it all out. Now, let it go. Let it go for good. I will not let "them" win. "They" cannot, will never get to dictate my level of success. I am awesome, and I'm great at everything that I love doing. No matter what happens, no one can make me stop believing in myself, and I will win!

You don't have to do it all all the time

There will be times, when it's a good thing to admit that you can't do it all constantly. There will be times, when you just can't do everything you want to all the time. And I have come to accept that it's ok.

I'm taking this weekend off to recover from a very exhausting first week of school, and I'll be ready to restart in kickass mode next week when I'm rested and recuperated. Candy will understand, and I'm sure everyone else will understand as well.

Let's face it, the first week of school is rough on everyone. Who gets anything done the first week of school, other than being back in school? It's usually not until the second week of school at least that we all begin to feel like we're getting an ounce of control back into our lives. No, I'm not making excuses. It's simply the truth that I'd forgotten because I'd been out of school for too long, that I don't even remember what the first week of school is normally like, especially for college students. Being this tired shouldn't come as a surprise. It should've been expected. After 4 years, it's a bit of a shock on my system. And the difference between being 28 and being 24, I never would've imagined it being this noticeable. Yeah... what happened to all my energy? 

I think I might've written some amount on this before: that you do what you love because you love it, not because you feel like you have to do it or have no choice but to love it. It's true. If you feel like you have to drag your heels, then what's the point? I love riding and yoga with every fiber of my being. But if I'm hurting, or fatigued, or not feeling well, or just not up for it, then wouldn't they become chores that I have to force myself through as opposed to hobbies that I enjoy when I can and when I feel like it? The last thing I want is to feel obligated to go to the barn or the yoga studio. I don't want them to turn into things that I have to do instead of things that I want to do. And I've learned my lesson on this: the more I push myself when I shouldn't be, the more I force myself to go and go when I should be taking a step back and go easier on myself, the more they become responsibilities instead of recreations. I ride and do yoga because I want to and love to, not because I'm duty bound to. And I'm sure neither my trainer nor my yoga teachers would ever want riding and yoga to become obligations that I feel I must attend to so often at certain intervals, that I can't get away from at all even when I truly need to temporarily.

When you need a break, you need a break. For any reason, or for no reason at all. The world will still go on when you get back. It's a much better idea to hit the stop button, walk away for a bit, give yourself some time, and then start up again fully recharged, than to shove yourself through mud and grime, beat your body into submission, feel as if you have a deadline to meet in every corner, and desperately flail your way through as if your life depended on it, and all the time, growing weaker and sadder with every step because you refuse to let yourself refuel. 

No matter how important something is to me, I know I need to be able to say "no, not today" without feeling guilty. Because it's ok. There's a tomorrow, a next week, a next month. Once again, what's the rush? Candy will be here. Peace Yoga will be here. I will be here. I don't have to do it all at once. I don't even have to do it all in a short time. Take your time, catch your breath, regain your strength. Whenever you need to. And every time, it's more than ok for you to do so.

TGIF

Slight change in plan. Riding has been rescheduled to tomorrow. I was simply too tired today, and my entire right leg hasn't stopped making its opinions known. I did, at last, go see my doctor for it. She prescribed anti-inflammatory medication and physical therapy. I must remember to make an appointment on Monday. Fingers crossed that it works! The doctor doesn't think it's something too serious, yet. It could just be inflammation and minor patella injury, no more. It's not going to stop me or slow me down or anything though. Riding and yoga shall proceed as planned. I did appreciate a day off. I sure needed it. I felt bad not going to see Candy today, but then again, how can I take good care of my pony, if I don't take good care of myself first?

That brings me to another topic. I can't help but wonder if I'm about to pile too much onto my plate, again. Why is it always so hard for me to be sure?

Course load, field experience days, and professional portfolio aside, I want to stick to my original plan of a recital for my graduate project to complete my master's degree this year. And guess what? Putting together a graduate recital is a boat load of work, as if no one has seen that one coming. I'll have to squeeze out more time for daily vocal practicing, repertoire selection, score learning, and coaching sessions with my accompanist. For someone who's been out of this whole loop for 4 years, this is going to be anything but easy. I need to get my voice back in time, new pieces learned, dictions honed, and save ample rehearsal times with Katya. As if my schedule isn't already stuffed to the rim with classes, internships, homework, riding, yoga, and home caretaking, now I need more time to sing, too. Also, pulling a whole recital together without the supervision of a teacher is more than a bit daunting, something I've never done before in my 10 years on the music scene. Can I really get away with not taking lessons at all, and still pull this off well?

If there's any time for me to start fully believing in myself, it's now. I have to not stop saying to myself that I can do this, that I will succeed, and that I am good enough. It's a risk, but it's a chance that I have to take. It's one way to prove myself, to show "them" how wrong they were about me those years ago, and to let the world know that this is the real Holly Carr, the super awesome kickass music teaching, yoga practicing, and horseback riding opera singer!

In our own special ways, we can have it all.

First week down

My everywhere hurts, especially my feet from all the walking. I'm exhausted. Yeah, unfortunately, I'm not going to yoga tonight. I'm about to drop dead, and my whole body is crying for mercy.

And idiots be like... you don't know what tired is until you have kids. People who say stuff like this clearly have never gone to a day of college.

I got more errands done today after my one Thursday morning class, including a trip to the university bookstore for some course materials. Side note: there are perks to early morning classes and having to be at school by the crack of dawn. Under normal circumstances, never any problem finding a parking spot. When noon rolls around, the garages are jam packed. Also, Towson University is seeing me with makeup on for the first time. Behold the spectacle that is Holly wearing makeup to school!

I finally got around to taking my engagement ring to Smyth Jewelers in Timonium to get resized. While waiting for my wedding band's 1-hour spa treatment, I took a quick drive up to the Dover Saddlery store in Sparks, just a little ways away. I'm proud of my self-control. I managed to walk out with only exactly what I needed to get from there, and nothing more. Despite having to walk at least one round and admire the lines of beautiful bridles, bits, girths, and boots that I so want Candy to have, I only bought what I absolutely could not find one of at the barn to use that Candy really needs, which is a front riser wither pad, the kind that Karly told me to get for some saddle relieve, until she muscles up around her spine again. I can't wait for her to use it. I think she's going to feel much better with it! But oh, the longing, the temptation, the coveting feelings. Next year, Candy, next year. As soon as I land a job, one year from now, I will pamper you rotten, with all kinds of lovely new things, I promise! I will buy you monthly supplements, top quality fly sprays, the most delicious treats, plus a bridle and girth of your own, and maybe a full set of boots, too. You'll get new and colorful saddle pads, more and nicer wither pads, hoof polish, and maybe even a fly mask. Let these dreamy thoughts keep me motivated and help me through what's for sure going to be a tough year. The fact that all of last year's intensive term interns who became certified and who applied for music teaching jobs are now employed is certainly comforting news. If I could just cover my portion of our bills, there should be no objection to me spoiling my pony.

Random fact of the day: apparently I have a very memorable face, but a very unmemorable name. More than one former professor of mine have said something along the line of "I recognize your face, but what's your name again?" Well, as long as I stay clear of the voice department, my PTSD will not be triggered. I'm already starting to get used to being on campus again, and the Center for the Arts building. This time, I've gone in with a whole different attitude and perspective. I'm there to learn, to complete my education, to get my degree and my teacher certification that'll get me a real and hopefully good job afterwards. I'm not there to kiss anyone's ass. 

Thank the gods, tomorrow I have off. No field experiences this week. The plan is to ride tomorrow evening, and do yoga Saturday morning. Oh, and at some point, I need to get started on homework, too.

By the way, school is expensive, did you know that? I feel like this first week of back to school is making our bank account weep. Yes, it'll get better, once I'm settled and no longer need to buy food at school, and have everything I need for my classes. Until then... I'm beyond grateful that my student loans are now on deferment.

It has begun

First day of classes. Yay.

It's a little after 9pm, and I just want to go to sleep. I discovered this morning that I need to leave even earlier than 6:45am to beat rush hour traffic in its entirety all the way from 95 to 695 to the middle of Towson. And that means getting up at 5:30am to be out the door by 6:30am in order to have ample time for everything in the morning. Fun. How fun. I love this state. I really do.

Everyone was beyond grateful for the instructor of our Wednesday night class calling it an early night tonight. It was a good day, but really, really long, involved a ton of physical exertion in the warmth of the late morning sun, and by the time I made it home at around 8pm, I was burnt through and through. How relieved was I to kick off my running shoes, dump my dirty, sweaty clothes that I'd worn for more than 12 hours into the hamper, and jump into a hot shower. Orientation day was a big day for the 2015 - 2016 intensive term music education pre-interns/teacher certification candidates, preparing this semester to enter into our student teaching internships in Maryland public schools in the spring. I'm easily one of the oldest if not the oldest of this year's group. And I could tell by my energy level for the outdoor team building challenge courses compared to the others. However, one thing for sure, and I'd been nervous and unsure about it until today: it's a wonderful feeling to be welcomed back into the department with open arms. Two new faculty members, both are very nice people. At the end of the orientation, I had my "official" intensive term interview with the department, in my gym clothes that I'd worn for this morning's workout, for nobody saw the need for me to change into the business casual attire that I'd actually prepared for the short but necessary occasion. Turning in a few pieces of last minute paperwork meant my complete acceptance into the program. Congratulations to me. Thank you again, Dr. McCabe! Granted, there's still a to-do list that awaits me, but I have the weekend to get it all done by the 31st. And I have nothing planned this weekend for a good and imaginable reason.

I did spend yesterday, my last day of "freedom", eventfully. I had my first dressage lesson with Karly. It was clear and expected that Candy is more than a bit rusty on the whole dressage subject, but we think she'll pick it back up quickly. Man, a dressage saddle felt weird, especially with such long stirrups and having to sit so far back and deep on the horse! It wasn't brutally hot, thankfully, but riding with the sun directly overhead in the early afternoon was certainly no walk in the park. I couldn't blame Candy one bit for being as lazy as I'd ever seen her. Despite it all, it was one more valuable lesson. Granted, my legs felt like they each had an iron ball and chain attached to it by the end. I had a couple more lightbulb moments, which Karly promised I'll have more and more of as I continue riding more and more. Realizing full well that my once weak and sloppy legs had gotten me into some trouble by wanting to swing backwards to often, I'd developed a tendency to stick my legs a little too forward at times in order to prevent that, especially in an attempt to compensate the whole concept of sitting up and back in the saddle and needing to "push" from my hips. The trick comes when I should keep my upper body still and straight, sit back, and still keep my legs right underneath me, not too far front and not too far back. If I could just unlock my lower back (which isn't always easy, considering my lower back pains), keep my hips open and knees out, calves "hugging" Candy's belly, while all at the same time, prop my upper body with my core at all times, and have my legs tucked snug and under, then I can practically have my behind glued to the saddle, "swing" with Candy's every motion instead of bounce against her canter strides, "drive" Candy with my seat and legs with full control, and really use my body to propel as well as slow her as needed, whenever and wherever. Sounds simple enough, right? Yeah, easier said than done. I swear, I get it. The idea is bright and clear in my head. Forcing my stubborn body to all click together at the exact right time, then stay that way, and do it the same over and over again, on the dot each time, whole different story. Once again, why doesn't everyone ride? Because it's so damn hard!

But, if every time I ride, I learn something and improve, that's what counts, remember? The important part is that I'm constantly acquiring new knowledge and putting it to use, pushing my comfort zone just a bit farther every time I climb onto the saddle, and then practicing until it becomes mine. Hey, isn't that what it takes to master anything in life?

It's going to be a semi long day tomorrow, but I'm looking forward to Heather's yoga for athletes class tomorrow night!

Off days are good days, too

There's something about being in a yoga studio when there's a raging thunderstorm outside. Doing yoga to the sounds of thunder and rain in the background is strangely soothing. Flashes of lightning only gives the whole experience an even more colorful effect. I'm grateful that it wasn't raining hard when I needed to walk to my car though.

I'm not sure if it's because I haven't been going to yoga as often as I did before my accident, or that my right leg is kind of messed up right now since both my ankle and knee are complaining out loud. I'm also not sure if I'd forgotten how to yoga breathe since I bruised my ribs, and now am having to retrain my lungs and diaphragm to cooperate again. Or maybe I haven't been eating enough protein lately, or that I didn't eat as much as I should've before class again. It's just been off for me. I've been feeling weak, in both of the last two vinyasa classes I'd attended. I could swear that I'd been able to keep up with everything a whole lot better, and any muscle soreness from the poses I would have experienced after class, not in the middle of class, and as a result, not being able to hold them as solidly as I know I can. Having to catch my breath from time to time is still an issue, stupid ribs that are taking forever to get back to normal. I've just been running out of stamina a lot faster than what I thought I'd gotten used to running on at one point in time. I thought I was supposed to be getting stronger as I went and the more I practiced, not backpedaling. Something has been sapping my energy, and I can't seem to place my finger on it.

And this is right after Meghan emphasized the importance of embracing our imperfections and letting go of self-criticisms, and repeated throughout the whole class that we should not focus on what we think we're supposed to be able to do, but on what we're doing and are already capable of instead. Way to be practicing self-love and forgiveness, Holly. Did we lose your attention for one minute here? Hello, pause, rewind, restart. Whatever the reason might be, it doesn't matter that much. You tried, didn't you? You did what you could, didn't you? How many times have I heard this, from every one of my yoga teachers: it's your practice, your body, your experience, and your progress. Nothing to compare to, nothing to measure up to, nothing to worry about, and no deadlines to meet. Setbacks are normal, remember? Off-days are a part of the game. I only recently read an article that basically sums it up: learn to not only get used to but also cherish sucking. You need to suck a lot before you begin to suck less. I even wrote a whole blog entry on this subject not that long ago. It applies to riding, and it applies to yoga. Except, maybe yoga for me is slightly more low key than riding. But, once again, friendly reminder to self: it's ok, as long as you do your best and keep going. You're working hard, and you're always trying harder. It's ok to cut yourself some slack from time to time. You are only human! By the way, you're doing great, because you're not stopping!

What do we learn from off-days? The fact that we showed up, went, and faced them to begin with says something. Everyday can't be a perfect day. I went to the studio and got through a yoga class, that in and of itself is an accomplishment. Whether I was at my 100% or not, I gave what I was able to give, and I did what I could do with how much I had. I still challenged myself, and my body still marked the experience. I went and did it, and that by itself counts. And we get something out of each practice, each time, on a great day or off day. 

We, as human beings, are messy creatures, in so many ways. But messiness keeps things interesting. Imperfections are what make us unique individuals. Imperfection is beautiful. I know I'm a hot mess, and I've learned to revel in it.

I'm ready

I had a nice and relaxing weekend with my husband, my last "free" weekend before I'm a student again. School starts this coming week, in 3 days, to be exact. I think I'm as ready as can be. I decided to take this weekend off to spend it all with Ezra, since we'll be seeing each other a lot less when time comes for me to go to Towson five days a week. And for the reason that I tweeked my knee somehow, most likely from riding. Granted, I've been "feeling" a dull sensation on and off in my right knee for some time now, but it was insignificant enough for me to ignore it. Then, after riding on Friday, I got off to my knee actually hurting, a sharp prodding every time I put weight on it, bend it, straighten it, and so on. It still hasn't gotten better, so I'm going to be not stubborn and make a doctor's appointment for it. Not that knee injuries are uncommon among equestrians, but a bad knee is a pain in the rear to say the least, and a lifetime of trouble to say the most. So, better safe than sorry. We had a date night at Buffalo Wild Wings tonight, after spending a whole afternoon on getting our apartment cleaned, which was my final before school to-do list check off, and each of us had a delicious alcoholic beverage. I savoured every bit of it. Going out drinking on a Sunday night? Might not happen again until winter break. I was actually drunk by the time we got home. Still such a light weight, despite not being on any medication anymore.

Friday I had a light ride, but a great ride. After a few rounds of our usual small gymnastics exercises, one of which I extended for challenge's sakes, I rewarded Candy by sending her over the 2'9'' vertical that I'd been eyeing for some time in the ring. She cleared it beautifully, twice. No rushing, no stumbling, no throwing herself aimlessly. And both times, I felt great about myself. I didn't tense up, and I didn't grab mane either. I sat back, held my canter seat to the bottom of the jump, and snapped into two-point when Candy picked up her front legs. Granted, I still have so, so much to work on as far as that goes. Karly has said that sitting up all the way to the jump, waiting until the last second possible, and then getting into two-point with the horse's upper motion as soon as the horse takes off for the jump, is what all higher level jumpers should aspire to master. The timing and coordination take a whole lot of time and practice to perfect, more so when you start jumping higher than three feet. Of course, knowing when to use the half-seat will also be crucial when I begin riding cross-country, but I have faith that I will get to a point where I will just know it every time, that my body and Candy's will just play call and response automatically, balance each other, and give each other all the necessary feedbacks without any extra effort on either of our part, whether we're out on a cross-country course or in a showjumping arena. Eventually, it'll all be done by feel, and we'll both know exactly what to feel for every time, and I'll never have to think anything about it beforehand ever again. There's no doubt that I'm riding Candy better and better, and that we're both improving with every ride. It was almost dark by the time I dismounted. I had practiced my canter positions, using my body to adjust Candy's strides. I had practiced my two-point position, at the trot and at the canter. I even worked on my sitting trot. Taking into consideration how many times poor Candy tripped due to bad footing in the ring following heavy rainfall from the day before, I couldn't blame her for being a tad bit wary. I had a serious "oh shit" moment, when Candy tripped right after a canter pole and right before a crossrail, decided to take off and go over the crossrail right away anyway without even a nanosecond of pausing, then tripped again upon landing after the crossrail, and had to flail her way over the landing rail at the end. I would've given a lot to have seen a freeze frame of my face through all that. 

The interesting things that keep happening to you when you are a horse person: your equine friend gets a nosebleed and decides that the best solution is to wipe it on you. 

Here's a random thought: is it just me, or does it happen to all other equestrians, that you almost seem to always come back a much better rider after a bad fall than you were before, every time? I feel like since my last serious incident (the left side of my rib cage can still feel it, by the way), I made a grand return full throttle, and things have just been shooting uphill ever since. Granted, I've been putting in more lesson blocks recently, but hey, maybe a fall like that was what I needed. Scary thought, but maybe it just happened to have worked out in my favor.

One week more

Classes start exactly one week from today. I'm excited and nervous at the same time. What had gone into this decision were not all easy, and going back to school is always a big step to take. But in my guts, I know that I'm 100% doing the right thing this time. That master's degree and teacher certification will be mine in one year's time. Here's to the prospect of a real job, a good career, and finally making enough money to not only pay my student loans, but also buy lots of things for Candy!

I'm going to miss Wednesday evening ashtanga yoga. Come next week, at 5:30pm on every Wednesday, I'll be sitting in a classroom, wishing I were in the yoga studio instead. I'm hoping with all my heart that Tracy will get an additional class spot at some point in the near future. I love ashtanga yoga and Tracy's teaching, and it will break my heart to have to stop all together.

Karly and I are planning for some dressage lessons starting next week. Candy's dressage saddle set has been calling to be put back into work, and it's about time for me to start learning real dressage. I want to be a well rounded rider, and if I want to become an eventer, well, now is as good as ever to begin serious dressage training. And I know for a fact that a good dressage foundation will solidify my jumping foundation as well. Perhaps we can start switching off, jumping lesson one week and dressage lesson the next week and so on so forth. From what I've heard, Candy is a fun dressage horse, and I'd love to someday, take her to freestyle dressage shows. In my head I've been making a fun playlist. Holly Carr and Midnight Candy, the dressage rock and roll duo, how does that sound?

I did appreciate a couple of good days of rest, though I'm not sure how much riding time I'll get this week, looking at these thunderstorm forecasts. I am, however, welcoming the idea of a few more rainy days to bring down the temperature a little. It would be nice if we could go into September with some cooler weather. I do plan on having at least a little bit of no stirrup and/or bare back work the next chance I get. Maybe I'll start putting "leg days" into my riding schedule, like Karly does with her Bubby. I'm probably not going to enjoy them, but we all know I need them.

I know I might've said this before, but I can't wait for fall. Being able to ride in the afternoons, cross country training, Fair Hill, and possibly shows! I have high hopes for Candy and I being competition ready by the time the weather begins to cool and the leaves begin to turn, and this fall seems like a suitable time for me to begin my eventing career. I've got plans, and I want to get started on them.

The possibilities are endless!

Get up, show up, and never give up

You know you had an effective riding lesson, when you sit back, straighten up, open your rib cage, and twist your torso accordingly to drive your car through a turn.

I'm also pretty certain Candy is in season again. And I could swear she just had her last period 3 weeks ago. Really, lady, really? When is pony menopause? Oh, wait, they don't have that. I'm lucky that Candy has never been "marish". She is able to work and function normally throughout her cycles. Hardly ever acts up, a little bit of grump and impatience here and there, no more. But I still can't imagine it being a pleasant time for her if it happens too often, especially during the summer months. Unfortunately, unlike humans, it's not physically or mentally comfortable for other mammals at their most sexually receptive phases. I'm keeping an eye out for any sign of menstrual pain. Considering Candy's age and behavior patterns, Mare Magic, thankfully, is not necessary. Aimee, whom I rode with on Okinawa and who has a good deal of knowledge on OTTBs, thinks Candy might actually have been caslicked at a young age because she did once race, and if she is, then it would explain her seasons not being extreme. I'm still not going to push her too hard when I can pick up obvious signs of her being in heat though. Back pains and hormonal side effects related to the feminine cycles are not fun for anyone, human or horse.

We did more gymnastics today. Must remember, release, and more release! Give her the reins, and just let her do it! So, yes, we had another lesson today, although of course, I decided to rest up this weekend and did not ride at all since our last lesson on Friday. Since it was on the warm side today, and our lessons tend to be rigorous even on "light days", I made sure to sneak plenty of salt into Candy's food, as well as place a small bucket of water on the ground by the feed bucket, when I arrived just in time for her to eat breakfast. I feel lucky that Candy will eat all the salt and garlic powder with no complaints, as long as they're put into her food. We did try not to do too much today, for the temperature was rising pretty quickly from 10am on, and the humidity level was higher. It was about as hot and humid as I am willing to ride in. Have I mentioned how much I'm looking forward to not having to pick and choose my riding times in the daylight hours based on the positions of the sun and the hourly weather forecast and temperature prediction by Weather Whiskers on my phone? And because despite having lights all around, I just don't like riding in the dark. I'm dreaming of shades over the ring, or even better, an indoor ring.

Karly drilled my canter position for a long time. Yet another moment when I'm grateful for a good trainer. Just one of the many small fine-tunings that have yielded tremendous results for me and Candy. I discovered that riding in the half seat the whole time while cantering isn't the best idea. As I approach a jump, yes. For a jump prep, yes. But holding a half seat constantly throughout the canter doesn't work for Candy. I learned to adjust her strides with tiny shifts of my hips. Sit back, straighten up, and open the hips accordingly is the way to go. How wide I open my hips and how far back I sit my seat are what makes the differences in Candy's canter pace and impulsion. It's all little twerks with my body that I need to sort out, and then stick with what works the best for my horse. I'm doing much better with my turning position now. I still need to work on preparing for turning earlier, looking in the direction of the turn sooner, and begin adjusting my body, as well as legs and hands if necessary, for going into the turn and where I'm turning to more ahead of time. Again, the people who think riding is easy have never ridden, and probably never will.

It's been a good weekend

It felt like ages since the last time I was in a vinyasa yoga class. Understandable, but I still felt like a bum when I stepped into the upstairs studio this morning. It was an instructor whom I hadn't tried out before, so I was excited and a bit nervous at the same time. It turned out to be a good class. Granted, the only one of us who had any success with a hand stand at all was a 13-year-old gymnast who looked like she weighed nothing at all. For me, no luck yet. And yes, I also fully realize that getting older sucks. What I wouldn't give for a teenager's level of energy and flexibility nowadays. If I've been doing yoga since age 13, I'd probably also be a whole lot better off at my age now. But, again, life long progress, remember? Things just might happen to us at certain times for certain reasons. I think I would like to keep going to Margarita's Sunday morning vinyasa class. She's quite a fun teacher, and does amazing arm balance inversions!

After lunch, Ezra and I went to the pool in our apartment complex for the first time since we moved here. Not being a fan of open water, I swam one round and then spent the rest of the time sunbathing, hoping to even out my tan a little. Yep, my equestrian tan lines that are all too obvious to those who know what to look for. Ezra spent the whole time mostly in the water, hoping to include swimming as one more form of exercise that he can somewhat enjoy in his weight loss program. In case you haven't noticed yet, my husband is not the least bit interested in horseback riding or yoga, and this will probably remain a disappointment for me for the rest of our lives. My husband is also among the majority of Americans who find no joy in working out, something that can be hard to comprehend for those of us who are fitness junkies. But, one important factor to marital bliss includes different tastes, hobbies, and being able to spend time doing fun things separately without each other, correct? He's a scientist, I'm a musician. He has his Magic the Gathering and games, I have my horse and yoga. It all balances out.

Not that I'm that much of a poolside person anyway, going into the water or not. It was hot out, and I got bored quickly. Not to mention, I just don't find bikinis very comfortable to wear, elastics and straps and strings stretched tight behind my neck and all. But I think my tan looks slightly better now.

In the evening, Ezra left for Virginia and will be there till Friday. I do plan on spending some extra time at the barn and in the yoga studio during this week that I'm on my own. It's my last week to cram in some more riding and yoga time before I'll have to split my life into several chunks again. Sorting out a consistent weekly riding and yoga schedule once school starts won't be easy, and keeping up with trying to do each at least three times a week will be a challenge to say the least. But when you want to do something badly enough, you squeeze out time for it and make it work. That's how you fit it all in and enjoy your life at the same time.

Day off on a Saturday

I took a day off. It was necessary. I slept in pretty late this morning, for the first time in what felt like ages upon ages. Phew, that felt good!

I'm still sore, and my ankles still hurt. But I'm fully aware that these are simply normal parts of life for me. If I were to wake up not sore anywhere one day, it's going to be really weird, to say the least. Like what my previous trainer Bethany used to say, "if I weren't sore, I'd wonder if I were still alive!"

That being said, resting often and well is also crucial. It's not a bad thing to push ourselves, but like with everything else, it ought to be done with moderation. Pushing too hard is not only counterproductive, but also not healthy in general. Our bodies are not machines, and even machines wear out from fatigue and overuse.

While demonstrating my head stand progress to Ezra this morning, I found that I was able to balance myself vertically with both feet off the floor with relative ease. Granted, I only lifted my legs up a little ways, but it was an inversion all right, an upside down arm balance nonetheless, half of a complete head stand. The fact that I was able to do that much without thinking a lot about it, and the fact that I couldn't get anywhere near that far just a couple of weeks ago, just made my day from the start. With a couple of nice chaturangas thrown in there, I got my show-off for the day out of the way.

I do feel the need to mention this: yesterday, at the allergist's office, I weighed in at 145 lbs on the scale. It was a sigh of relief, as well as one more bonus point for me. Looking in the mirror, I can tell that even my arms, the weakest parts on my body, which my grandmother had compared to match sticks one year ago, have widened and are now clearly showing signs of muscles. I have won, after nearly eight years of struggle to get up to and maintain a healthy weight for my height and built. People might think I'm crazy. People might joke and say that they wish they had my problem. People might think I've been trying to prove something else by "working on getting fatter". But they don't know just how hard it's been for me, that being on the other end of the spectrum is no walk in the park either, and that for so long, it was as if I could never force enough nutrition into me. It was beyond frustrating, to be at the mercy of my body's fiendish metabolism as well as its seemingly endless limitations associated with being underweight. Having gone from 110 to 145, it was no easy journey, and it took a good deal of determination and persistence. I'm feeling my best and happiest at last. I no longer feel as if a gust of wind could snap me like a twig. I no longer feel frail and sickly. I am strong and healthy now. I have come a long way, and you bet I'm proud of myself, of my newly fit and toned body with its good amount of muscle mass, of my tenacity and the hard work that had gone into it all. I am a true athlete now, and I will continue to be for many, many years to come. 

My day off today was a good one. While visiting a small wine and gift shop on main street in downtown North East hoping to find a good bottle of red wine for making Julia Child's boeuf bourguignon, my taste buds surrendered to a locally brewed Late Harvest Vidal Blanc, which I pretty easily convinced my loving and generous husband to buy a bottle of, even though he's not a wine person at all. Along with a bottle of Merlot, I left the shop satisfied and tipsy, following five rounds of wine tasting. 

The Merlot served its purpose well. Our dinner tonight was a huge success. The hours spent preparing and then waiting for the boeuf bourguignon, along with a fine mess in the kitchen accompanied by two loads of dishes, had paid off beautifully. It was probably the most delicious dish I have ever participated in creating, also possibly the best stew I've ever eaten in my life. After dinner, I indulged in a 1/4 glass of my sweet and delicious dessert white wine by myself, savoring the fact that I'm a huge fan of not only French food, but also French alcohol. Mind you, I know I will never grow to love cooking. But Julia Child just might be able to help me get to the point of no longer hating it. And cooking together with my husband, who happens to have always loved it, is actually fun. That being said, it does help that I married a man who is great in the kitchen and enjoys every bit of it.

 

Today was a wonderful day. I think I'll sleep well tonight.

Ok, I'm tired, really tired

I'm so tired, I feel like I'll need to force my eyelids to stay open long enough to eat dinner. Really tired, and really sore. Thank heavens for food delivery services. I want to go to bed so badly. It's been a long, long week. For reasons all too familiar, my ankles are killing me, and I feel like a wimp because of how much I'm bothered by my ankles hurting. Will I be able to fit my feet into my riding boots with ankle braces? At least my two-point is much, much more solid now, so I guess it's worth it after all.

While I'm waiting for my food to get here, I might as well write. Candy and I had another great lesson this morning. Not gonna lie, it took some motivation for me to drag my butt out of bed at 8am this morning, achy legs considered. We're going to squeeze in a couple more lessons until everybody goes back on the school schedule. It's hard to believe that summer is almost over.

I feel like Candy and I are simply ironing out more kinks now. We're figuring each other out, negotiating and compromising as a team. We work together, and we both work hard. I think we both know what we want, too. We did more gymnastics today, and they were relatively challenging for horse and rider. One major thing that I figured out today from our lesson is how much my turning position affects Candy's turns as well as her pace after the turns. It's yet another one of my age old habits, my tendency to lean my body to the side and into the turn, and thus shifting my weight inward while the horse makes the turn. What I'm trying to compensate, I don't even know. I just know that it's yet another side effect from riding those slow and poorly trained horses on Okinawa. And that just throws Candy completely off, and it's one big reason why she feels the need to speed up out of a turn. When I began consciously calling myself to sit back, stay upright, and actually twist my body accordingly, turning with Candy and aligning my shoulders with hers, both the turn and after became instantly more collected, and Candy did not feel the need to speed out of the turn and toward the next jump in the direction we were going. It was a pretty epic "aha!" moment. See, this is why I need a trainer, a good trainer who's so perceptive, who can pick things like this up right away. Thank you, Karly!

Karly was also pleased with our progress. Yes, we've done some good work, I can say it with certainty. Every little bit counts, baby steps add up to big progress. Riding, it's all easier said than done. Sure, I get the idea. I can even explain it in detail. My brains knows what to do and how to do it. The trick is to maneuver my body that doesn't always want to listen and respond right away to make that smooth connection with what my brain says. If only muscle memory worked like short term and long term memories. Candy is just so sensitive, so responsive, that every little movement, every little pressure of any kind affects her, and the smallest things that I do with my body can make huge differences. She picks up on everything. Nothing, not the slightest wiggle coming from me escapes her. It's one more reason why she's not an easy horse to ride, and that she's not for just any rider. I already can't wait for our lesson next week. Keep up the good work, now let's do more! Oh, Leigh and Karly finally got to meet today as well. I think we make quite a fun group, all having one obvious thing in common, and all sharing a large amount of love for a 24-year-old OTTB.

I feel like such an old woman right now, thinking about going to bed way before 9pm. My day finally ended after an appointment with my allergist (have I mentioned that I'm actually allergic to cats and horses, and have been getting weekly allergy shots because I can't live without them?) and a trip to Wegman's with Ezra. Along the way, I also bought a big pile of fresh local produce from Leigh. The fact that we're good on groceries for a while makes my life easier, especially with Ezra going on a 5-day business trip again this coming week.

The one problem with keeping busy and multiple times weekly riding and yoga is that you run out of clean sports bras too quickly. 

Other aspects of my life

I'm happy to say that this week has been busy, but I've been keeping it all under control. Things are hectic, but going well. Everyday I've been getting up early, and everyday I've been productive from morning to night. 

 

I took a trip to Towson yesterday. I did not cry or turn around and start speeding in the opposite direction as soon as I saw the campus, so that was a very good thing. I could see that many changes and upgrades have been made. Yay 150th anniversary, go Tigers! I got my new ID card, paid for my fall semester parking permit, bought two notebooks and an assignment planner book from the book store, then went to the registrar and got the in-school deferment forms for my two student loans signed. It was a good deal of walking that actually left me hungry and thirsty when I was done. Four years later, I'm discovering just how big and how far spread out Towson University is, when I don't have a faculty/staff parking permit anymore, like I did before with my graduate assistant gig, and everything seems so far away from where I can park now. Remind me to not wear high heels to school. I took the big step of going inside the center for the arts building, where pretty much all of the painful memories are stored. Those flights of stairs from the ground level of the parking garage to the top floor of the building can no longer knock the air out of me. I walked through those familiar hallways, and not surprisingly, most of the offices and studios were unoccupied, and there was barely anybody around at all. I did choose a not busy time to go on campus for a reason. 

When I got everything that I needed to do done, I had some time to think when I sat down in one of the dining halls with my lunch. I would've lied had I said that I didn't miss Towson University at all over the last four years. Yes, I'm looking forward to going there again, and being a part of the music education department again, even with its new professors whom I don't even know yet. What I'm doing now is living proof that I have refused to let the military as well as the voice department ruin my life. I'm not giving up. I'm not letting them win. I have so much to be grateful now, and so much left in me still. Small things, like I can now drive to school in a much nicer car, go to a dining area to buy real food as opposed to just snacks, and walk through center for the arts with my head held up high matter to me. I'm no longer a scared, sniveling 22-year-old who was overly concerned with pleasing and what others thought of her. The days of me being eager to be at the beck and call of everyone who was anyone are long gone. I am 28 years old, and I have found my power, as well as my true voice. Nobody, no department, can dictate my education experiences, because this is my choice, and I get to decide what I do with it. 

I organized my school supplies into my designated school bag, the same one that I used the last time I went to Towson, funnily. I'm ready to go back to school, excited to be a student again. This time is going to be different. I'm sure of it. This time, I'm different, and I'm better for it. I'm going to do great, and I'm going to have fun. I plan on hiring my old accompanist for my graduate recital. Since there's of course, no one currently on the voice faculty that I'm interested in taking lessons with, I do hope to find a suitable voice teacher in the near future to help me put together a full recital repertoire. If/when that happens, it's going to be a teacher worth my time and money, and he/she is going to work for me, not the other way around. I'm also relieved to know that the drive from North East to Towson and back is not a difficult one at all. Barring anything stupid happening on 95 and/or 695, I can pretty much count on making it in 45 minutes each way, a reasonable commute for a Marylander. 

I'm going to be really sad if there isn't another time slot opening up for ashtanga yoga in the fall. When school starts in a couple of weeks, I'm going to have to be in class at Towson on Wednesday evenings, and the thought of no more ashtanga and not seeing Tracy again is not a pleasant one. I've learned so much since I started taking that class, and Tracy really teaches me well. I got this close to a full head stand in class yesterday. Oh so close! Perhaps by the end of this month, I'll be able to actually push myself up all the way. Must keep working hard, must keep practicing! To me, I'm doing well, and my yoga practice is only blooming wider and wider. I do fully realize that it won't be easy for me to juggle classes, schoolwork, yoga, riding, and various lessons when the semester starts. But I also know that I need to take good care of myself and have enough of my own time, all of which I'm going to continue getting from yoga and riding. If I want something enough, I can make it happen. I can work around everything, and I can make more time for it. In the end, I know more than anyone else that it's worth it, and that it's what makes me happy.

Going back to basics is a good thing, and necessary

Soon after my last post, I had a long chat with Karly regarding Candy's rushing and exaggerated jumping. We both came to the same conclusion, and it wasn't hard at all for us to agree on this: we need to make Candy step back, think, and come back to me. Not only does she need to chill out, but also she needs a reminder that she needs to listen to her rider. I like that Candy is so motivated, enthusiastic, and has good impulsion, but momentum doesn't equal shooting herself over a jump like a horse canon ball. A horse who over-jumps to me signals that she isn't as confident and secure about her own jumping as she should be, that she feels the need to jump too high because she isn't too sure about her take off, landing, feet placements, and exactly how much she needs to lift and and how fast she needs to propel herself in order to clear each and every jump, no matter what height. My guess is that Candy remembers the excitement of it, but doesn't remember exactly how to do it right. She may know her job and how to use herself, but it makes sense because it's been a while for her. I myself am a very experienced and well trained opera singer who is very competent and definitely knows what she's doing. But if I were to get on stage and sing an entire role right now, after having not sung for 4 years, I know for a fact that I'd botch it miserably. It's hard for muscle memories to click back together following a long time off for humans, much less for horses, no matter how good they are and how much they have learned. So, we're going back to basics. Other advanced level adult riders might've been discouraged with Candy in the past because Candy's big jumps either scared or were just no fun for them, I take it as a good challenge in my riding career. I'm going to school Candy, and I'm going to do it the right way, as well as the smart way. She needs to pay attention to me and take my cues when I give them. She needs to re-learn how to see a jump and go at it without throwing herself at it like equine ammunition from across the ring, no matter that I'm still on her, and to hell with the rest of the world because Candy wants to jump. I don't want to develop more bad habits because I'm unable to concentrate on my own jumping position and alignment out of being anxious with her anxiety and rushing myself just to keep up with her, and then we both are in a big blob of jumping mess together, feeding off of each other's bad habits and nervousness back and forth.

So that led to today, when I went to the barn armed with gymnastics exercises that I had saved on Pinterest and printed out to tuck neatly into my riding notebook. I decided to cut Candy off of bigger jumps until she gets a hold of herself and can jump properly like how I want her to. Trot poles, canter poles, landing poles, and mini obstable courses to make her focus, collect her steps, look where she's going, think about what she's doing, and back off as much as necessary. I set up a V double oxer to improve her use of her front legs, reach sharper, and tidy her leap. After just two exercises with small jumps and ground poles, already she started pacing herself better when I sent her over a barrel jump with no poles on the ground before and after. So, Gymnastics is the magical answer. Candy did so well, and one session down, I'm already noticing a difference. I can't wait to do more with her. It's obviously what we both need. I also took more time to focus on our trotting and cantering today, as well as my own two-point position. I worked on my two-point enough to feel like my legs wanted to split from ankles to thighs after getting off. I can confidently say that my core strength has vastly improved, and that I can count on not only my legs but also my abs and seat when I'm riding. Also, Candy no longer resists the bit, and I've gotten to the point of being able to adjust contact and steering much more easily. That, in and of itself, as a victory on my part. Sad that Karly was sick this morning, and our lesson got canceled yet again. However, I had one of the best practice rides ever, and I know what to do from now on. Once again, I must remember to take it slow and do it all gradually. Take small steps in the right direction and keep them going, instead of forcing one great leap forward and then only to have to stumble several steps back after the inevitable truth reveals that it doesn't work well that way. Just think, considering how much we've accomplished so far in merely a little over a month, what will we be doing 6 months from now, and 1 year? 

Always in motion

Not even sure if I should count my days forwards or backwards, but I'm happy to say that a lot of things are out of the way, off of my shoulders, and done. Windows 10 is interesting, by the way. Our old computer seems to be ok with the recent update. It'll just take me a bit to get used to the new looks and new features and new controls and what not. I think I like it overall, though I don't pretend to be a technology person.

Linus had his long awaited consultation appointment with the orthopedic surgeon this morning. I went with him all the way to Towson for his appointment, riding along with Mary, the president of the rescue organization, and Annie, another volunteer/foster parent. The visit went well. I like the surgeon, to my relief. We are going to proceed and plan for Linus's hip surgery. It's going to cost CFA a whopping four grand, but it's going to be done. After two years, it won't be put off any longer. A fundraiser will be started, and the organization will begin saving money right now. The surgery will fix his hips and pelvis, improve his mobility, eliminate any pain and discomfort, and guarantee him a good life afterwards. With any luck, it will help his chronic constipation related colon problems as well. I am hopeful now. I am looking forward to this. I can't wait for my boy to be able to have a normal cat's life, to be able to keep up with the girls with no difficulties. I love him so much, I want this for him more than anything. Finally, the light at the end of the tunnel for Linus!

I don't feel like recounting a very long and frustrating day yesterday that involved a ton of driving back and forth, but let's just say that it ended well. Unfortunately, my riding lesson got rained out, but I did get a whole lot accomplished. Our credit card is all paid off. We are more or less caught up financially. I have been officially reactivated as a full time graduate student at Towson University, approved for in state tuition, and I have successfully registered for fall semester classes. It's happening. It's really happening. My student account and school email are back online. The next steps will be getting a new ID card, a new parking permit, having the in school deferment forms for my federal student loans signed by the registrar and then mailed out, and doing a little bit of supply shopping before school starts. Final couple of weeks of freedom, I ought to take advantage of them before it's crunch time again!

Sunday we got together with our friends the Mabreys, who came up from Fort Meade and had dinner with us at our beloved Prost German Restaurant in Port Deposit. We go way back with Cody and Jessica, our best friends that we made in Georgia, and Ezra and Cody made it through AIT together. We are definitely among the best parts of Maryland for each other right now. 3 years of separation, while we were in Japan and they were in Germany, we just picked right back up from where we left off, as if nothing happened in between for so long. You know it's true friendship when.

After dinner, we went to the barn, where 2-year-old little Eli had a ride on Candy with me. I think for the first time in her life, Candy got to carry a little kid on her. Granted, it was no more than me putting Eli in front of me in the saddle and then walking Candy around the ring in a few small circles, with my one hand holding the reins and the other holding a wiggly toddler in place, but we all had fun, and I think I might've just converted another future equestrian. Eli loved the horse, that's for sure. And Candy did well with him, all things considered.

Back tracking a little, Friday I had a great ride. I raised the jumps up, and for the first time in almost a year, I felt like I was jumping, really jumping. Not just plopping over little crossrails barely off the ground, but actually jumping over real fences. I've been so proud of Candy, and of myself, too, I dare say. Candy's true colors are starting to shine through more and more, now that we're starting to get used to each other and become in tune with each other. She's one heck of a jumper, and with her, I've found my confidence and courage again. The fear of raising the fences higher no longer overwhelmes me. She's turning me into one heck of a rider, and I can't even put down in words my love and gratitude to her. Granted, we still need to take it slow, a little bit at a time. We are both gradually getting back into shape, and it's been a while for the both of us, since we were last able to do this kind of stuff. We're working on it and getting there, but baby steps and small progresses count. No big leaps overnight, that's for sure. Nothing about riding happens quickly. For me, it's been almost one year. For Candy, it's been two years. I was once again reminded to not be impatient and start pushing too far too quickly, when on Saturday, we majorly flopped a double oxer, twice. Ok, it may or may not have had something to do with mechanical failure, as I found Candy's bridle and reins in three pieces afterwards, the leather parts completely severed, and the bit no longer in her mouth. But in all honesty, I might've rushed. I could've set up the jump wrong, or it could simply be that we're not ready to handle a double oxer yet.

Despite one moment of disappointment and discouragement (I admit, I went home afterwards upset at myself and feeling sorry for my ego after my failure at a higher and harder jump), I remembered how far along we've come in just one month of working together. Relax, you've only known each other for a month. You're still getting to know each other and learning to fully trust each other! My ever supportive, rational, and pragmatic husband eventually lifted my chin up again with his ever so blunt way of putting things: you're not learning anything if you're not getting fucked. Yes, it's really true. Making mistakes means that I'm no longer where I was. It means that I'm moving further and going somewhere. Years and years of riding will still result in making similar mistakes every time you try to go one step higher and one notch more difficult. You need to mess up in order to improve. You're not learning if you're not messing up. It doesn't mean you're no good. It means you're pushing your challenge line and moving out of your comfort zone. Improvement requires messing up, again and again. Karly had said it best: if it could all be learned in a year or two, no trainer would have a job. A fellow rider whom I got to know while riding on Okinawa, who was an instructor at Mihara for a couple of years, has told me, "if you improve every time you ride, then you're doing something right." The level of trust, in myself as well as in my equine partner, is not something that can be established in a handful of days. Correctly, effectively, and gracefully commanding my own body, as well as a sentient animal with a mind of its own that is 10 times my size, doesn't happen in a few months. If it were easy, why would we need to spend a fortune on lessons? If it were easy, wouldn't everybody be jumping oxers on horseback?

I know I might've tried to deny it before, but I will never deny again that I enjoy teaching. I really do. All kinds of teaching, for that matter. After my ride on Friday, I kind of gave a little bit of a lesson to a teenage rider, who gladly welcomed my help on her horse. She appreciated the fact that my advice made sense to her and was already making a difference for her, and that her seat and legs were feeling it following my instruction. Maybe someday, I can become a successful trainer, and enjoy giving riding lessons to young riders who love this sport as much as I do. Having beginner youngsters look up to me, seek my help, and welcome any tip I might have for them only motivates me to do even better and work even harder myself. I would love to share with them what I wasn't able to have at their age. In a world full of lousy wannabe instructors, I want to be a good one, teaching out of love and not out of greed, be like the trainers who have taught me well. And I firmly believe that by passing knowledge on to others, you learn even more yourself. After all, we are all students for life, as equestrians, as yogis, as everything.

Believe that changes are good things

All right, I didn't go riding today. But I have some legit reasons for it. I had one hell of a day. I'm beyond relieved that it's over.

What I can say about myself is that I'm pretty good at interviews. When it comes to first impressions, I can ace it with relative ease. And here I thought I wasn't a people person! Well, I also know that I can be one heck of an actress. After all, for years, I was trained for the stage, and I can put on a good act without too much effort. The people at the school were impressed with me enough to hire me on the spot.

But, I'm not taking the job.

As it turned out, in order to qualify for working toward certification from ARTC, I can't work part time, not in DE, in a private school, or as a substitute teacher. A full time, salaried, contracted teaching position without any prior teaching experience in a school of any sort, and without a teaching license from any state? Good luck on that. Not to mention, there aren't that many places with such possible open positions that meet all the criteria for me to apply to at all in New Castle County, and the other DE counties are flat out just too far away for me to handle. I began to fully question, if this really was a good idea for me, if it was really worth pursuing, when it's worn me out already after just the very beginning.

The answer was no. Maybe I've known this all along.

I reached out to Dr. McCabe, one of my professors (and also a friend) during my graduate years at Towson University. She's one of the few people I know in this world whose advice I will always heed. Following a discussion with her, I made the flip over decision of my life: I'm going back to Towson. I'm going back to graduate school. I'm going to pick up from where I'd left off in 2011, and finish it this time. I have all of one more year to go, and I can jump right back in this fall semester, get into the intensive term and student internship year, and then in spring 2016, graduate with a master of science degree in music education and a Maryland state issued teaching license. 

I can't say this was never what I wanted upon my return from overseas. I'm allowing myself to admit now, that this is what's good for me, and that this is the step to take. If I could just separate and distance myself from the voice department, Towson isn't a big, scary place after all. My memories of the music education department are only positive ones, and I'd missed the network of support from the faculty members who have dedicated years and years to preparing and sending out future music educators. For once, this choice feels 100% right. I won't be all alone, groping about in the dark on my own. I'll have help and guidance every step of the way, and the sense of familiarity will also do me good. I'll probably be one of the oldest students in the intensive year program, but that doesn't matter. This is what I want, and I'm going to go for it with my heart and soul. There are times in life, if you want to get ahead, reach your goals, move on, and succeed, then you need to put your feet down, stump them a few times, and make some difficult decisions. There will be sacrifices, and there will be hard times. But in the end, it's up to you to make it all worthwhile, and do what you must in order to get what you want.

Classes start on August 26th. I can't say I'm not more than a bit excited to be a full time student again. I have all my family's support in this, and most importantly, Ezra is in this with me also. I held out for him for 4 years, leaving behind my education and career to follow him to the other side of the earth, and my sacrifice has contributed to his being where he is today. Now, he's going to hold out for me for 1 year, so that I may finally complete what I'd started and be where I'm meant to be. I'd already put so much time, effort, and money into this. I don't think I can live with myself if I were to let it all go to waste. And this is the last year within the 7-year window period at Towson for me to not have to start all over from scratch. Now or never. I'm not turning back, not giving up this time. I'm going to plow through and take it to the very end. I know what I need to do, and now I'm going to do it!

My application for re-enrollment is filled out and emailed to the registrar/graduate re-enrollment office. As soon as my status is re-activated as a full time graduate student, Dr. McCabe will put everything together and get me registered for classes. I can't express my gratitude enough to Dr. McCabe for doing this. There are few people who have stood and vouched for me through all the ups and downs in my life, and she's one of them. She's also a big reason why I'm absolutely confident in having made the right choice this time.

How's that for things having been a bit coocoo for me lately? I plan on spending more time with Candy to make up for having neglected her. Enjoy the remaining few weeks of freedom, Holly. Come September, you're going to be one busy bee, especially if you want to keep up with riding and yoga while juggling a full course load. But, you know what? I'm up for the challenge. I'm excited for it all. This is the route for me. This is my path in life to take. I may still mourn 4 years of lost time, but it's not late yet. Next year at this time, I'll be fully ready to step into the work force as a music teacher, with a license to teach, as well as a master's degree!