It's another new week

Here's the thing about keeping busy: time flies by. September is already at an end. Less than 3 more months on this schedule from hell.

My last handful of rides were almost too good to be true. I was waiting for a train wreck to happen at my lesson on Friday, but it turned out to be another great lesson. Let's just say that as far as riding goes, last week was awesome. Was it all just luck and coincidence? Well, I need to make myself actually believe that my rides are getting better because I'm becoming a better rider, and that with time and practice, there will be less and less "bad" rides, and more and more good ones.

Candy and I have worked out a well paced, collected, and evenly strided canter. Now that I've worked on my seat, I need to work more on my jumping position. Karly drilled my two-point on Friday, sending me and Candy over a low double oxer again and again, until the both of us really had to be done. And now that I'm able to control Candy's canter speed much better, I need to work out a balance: impulsion with collection, pace with forwardness. And oh, don't forget to release! Release before the jump, and more release over the jump. Start giving her the reins for the final 2 - 3 strides to the jump, and then just let her go. Give her her neck, give her the control of her own body to make the leap up and then down. I know I still need to work on loosening my elbows and relaxing my arms, allowing my hands to "flow" with Candy's movements as she canters, and not holding my arms frigid to lead to stiffness on her mouth, so that Candy can freely "bounce" her head and neck as needed with her strides. Spongy elbows, soft on the reins, gentle on the bit. I must practice the half halt more, too. Charlotte Dujardin has emphasized the importance of a hot horse needing to learn how to ridden with the legs on. Now that I'm getting to know Candy more and more, I also know what I definitely shouldn't let her get away with. It's a give and take. She gets what she needs from me, and I'm asking the same of her. I'm working my seat for her canter, but I also need to sit the canter how I need to, with my legs where they need to be, and keep myself steady and secure in the saddle.

Also, no looking down while turning! No leaning to the inside of the turn, no shifting the weight forward toward the turn, sit back and twist the upper body with the horse into and out of the turn! I know, a lot to remember, a lot to keep repeating to myself, a lot to keep in mind at all times, until they can all click together and become as natural as breathing. Yep, it's a lot of work, in case you didn't know this already. 

Listen to your horse. I don't think any trainer can say this enough times. Pay attention to what your horse is telling you, try and understand why it does what it does, try and figure out what you're doing that it's reacting to. Under normal circumstances, a horse doesn't just "act up" for no reason. 99% of what they do are not out of spite and carry no malicious intents. Chances are, they're doing something a certain way because it's something that they feel like they have to do in order to compensate for something that their rider is doing that's making things hard for them. As your horse's rider, your job is to let your horse do its job, and your goal is to make your horse's job as easy for your horse as possible. Try doing less, when doing more isn't working!

Embracing autumn

This weekend, for the first time in months, I was able to ride without a dire urge to hose myself down along with Candy afterwards.

And I had two days of great rides, especially Sunday morning. The weather was glorious, and I had an even better time, made all the lovelier with a soft, cool breeze on my face the whole time. Candy was on her good behavior, feeling no need to rush. I had known this all along as well, that I hadn't been riding enough, that I need to hit the barn at least 3 times a week to keep myself as well as Candy in riding shape and grounded. Candy needs that kind of regular, frequent work to not grow itchy and restless. She hates long stretches of idleness. I should've always known this.

I even pulled myself back together and resumed a fitness regime, starting with setting foot in the gym on campus this morning upon my usual early arrival at school. I've made up my mind to utilize the time before my 8am class on Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday at the gym instead of trying to do homework and often failing, and I know without an ounce of uncertainty that this is a much better plan for so many reasons. Just 20 minutes on the elliptical this morning made one heck of a difference in starting my day. And guess what? I could always use more cardio.

I'm not going to yoga classes anymore, to much sadness, and to much relief as well. I ordered two yoga blocks, a yoga strap, and a bottle of yoga mat cleaner online from Gaiam. We will go to Lowe's and get a piece of plywood to create a hard yoga surface for me on our carpeted living room floor. I will do what I can with our limited space to set up a good home practice. As soon as I have everything ready, I will sign up for YogaGlo. I certainly am excited to take online yoga classes with Kathryn Budig!

As far as me and Candy, I'm beginning to believe that trial and error is the way to go. Keep trying out different things, see what work and what don't. Other than forcing my legs into still submission, as well as keep reminding myself, every few strides if I have to: chest out, shoulders back, head up, look ahead, and BREATHE! Count the breaths with the strides if I have to. Engage the core, tuck the bellybutton to the spine, open the hips, flex the pelvis. Toes forward, heels down, calves on. Remembering what Bethany had once told me: "if you think you're sitting back, sit back a little more." 

I made sure to add in more two-point work, because I felt like my two-point had gotten sloppy. Trot poles are great for that purpose. I shortened my stirrups again, and kept a good eye on my lower legs. We worked on a low wide double oxer exercise, which I think Candy enjoyed. She really has gotten so much better at not going at jumps too fast. My one lightbulb moment, upon discovering Candy's tendency to speed out upon landing a jump, was that my core either simply not engaged enough, or is out of shape and therefore not strong enough to push myself up immediately as she hits the ground to collect her and bring her back to me. So I pushed my core, as well as my legs, until I could really feel both cry for mercy. 

We had one minor incident, which was no big deal, but it did make me take a step back and remember to slow down again. Feeling adventurous, I set up a 3-foot jump, only to end up chickening out and taking Candy to it way too slowly. A swift refusal landed me bum first on the ground. It was a light and small enough fall that it didn't even scare Candy. She stayed where she was, seemingly confused that I wasn't on her anymore. Honestly, I probably saw it coming well ahead of time, and knew it was going to end that way. Deciding that it would be a better idea for me to do that under supervision, I lowered the pole to 2'9''. Candy went over it a few times back and forth fine, but not as smoothly as I would've liked. Perhaps I'd set the take off and landing poles too close on the ground, not leaving enough space in between them and the jump for her to clear it the way she needs to do it well. She is, after all, a tall girl with long legs and big strides. I'll have to consult Karly on the subject of how far apart to set the different jumps and ground poles for her.

It's really the hard to ride horses that have the most to teach.

For an equestrian, there are generally two options: go for the easy horse who's content plopping around the ring with less than one bit of care about what you do, who will put up with anything and who doesn't feel the need to let you know otherwise, and remain a mediocre rider for life, or go for the difficult horse who will not put up with less than good equitation, who will push you past all limits, who will expect more from you and really teach you how to ride, and be drilled into a great rider in time.

I want to be a great rider. I want to learn how to ride well, and I want to ride Candy well. A great horse deserves a great rider.

We have good days, and we have bad days. But at the end of everyday, I want Candy to know how much I love her, and how thankful I am to have her in my life, always motivating me and moving me forward. 

Perfect practice makes perfect

"Practice doesn't make perfect. Perfect practice makes perfect." - George Morris 

You know those moments, when you know exactly what you're supposed to do, when you can picture it perfectly, step by step, when it's as vivid in your mind's eye as if it's played out in live action right in front of you?

Damn frustrating when you just can't seem to maneuver your body parts to all move in the right places at the right times and follow all the instructions that your brain is practically screaming at them, especially when the instructions sound so simple and straight forward resonating against your skull, right?

I find it completely amusing, and maybe not surprising at all, that my riding trainer and voice teacher have much of the same things to say.
 
My upper body needs to back the hell off and calm the fuck down.
 
I meticulously analyzed several videos of Meredith Michaels-Beerbaum, one of my go-to idols for references as top examples of great equitation. It's starting to make more and more sense, watching her posture, position, seat, legs, and carriage, integrated with all the things that Karly has been stressing at my lessons. Directly related are Jennifer's observations of my overall bodily tension, which is quite literally all over the place, but mostly concentrated in my upper body. Arms, chest, shoulders, neck, even head. Tension gathered from sources that I had never even thought of before, such as the ways I drive and carry my backpack. Tension that has become more natural to my body than relaxation over many, many years of terrible habits and negative instincts, that I don't even know it's there anymore. My upper body doesn't seem to want to stay out of the way for anything and leave my core free to do its job. It happens when I sing, and it happens when I ride. It always wants to help, and it's almost become a reflexive fight or flight response, constantly on alert, whether the call for a defensive mechanism is real or not.
 
And I'm willing to bet that Candy feels every bit of it when I'm on her. All the time.
 
Tuesday was not one of my successful practice ride days. It was relatively hot in the afternoon, and for whatever reasons, Candy decided to be a brat again. I resorted back to a bridle with a flash and bit guards, refusing to end the day with her tug-o-war game. But honestly, it was probably mostly me, again. My tension, my lack of flexibility in my middle and lower body, my forgetting to breathe, my tightness in all the places that should never be clenched when I'm on a moving horse. Coupled with the heat, and the fact that I should expect a restless, impatient horse after another whole week of no work, it wasn't the most fun time for me. Yes, I realize that I need to ride more often, and that it's not a good idea to ride two days in a row, and then not ride again until a week later. That and maybe I'm rushing the warming up time. Also, my fault for allowing myself to slip out of shape again. When was the last time I did yoga? So, at least two yoga classes this week, no excuses. How can I expect Candy to be in better shape, when her rider isn't keeping up with her side of it?

I need to retrain my body, as well as my brain. Muscle memory takes time to build, and even more time to undo and redo.
 
I know, I know, life isn't easy these days, and time is so limited. No news there. I should be used to it by now. There aren't enough hours in one day, and I It's rare for me to feel fully rested, and almost everyday is a struggle between activities and rest, which is more worth it. Hobbies, friends, and sleep, choose at most two out of the three. But you pick your battles, preferably the ones that you think you have better chances at winning. Thus is the way of life. If you want something, you work for it, and you make time for it while sacrificing other things for it, no matter what happens. And that, comes with practice as well, as I've come to realize well.

The good thing about practice, is that the more you do it, the better you get at it.

Settling down, and making sure to have a life

Time management is an acquired skill. It really is something that you actually have to learn, and then practice to get better at. Balancing work and family life, maintaining equilibrium between a hectic school schedule and a personal life, and getting everything that you have to do done on time regularly without ditching all of your hobbies are all life skills that you must constantly work on and continue to master throughout a lifetime. Those take time to get a hang of, and I, for one, will never say that it's something easy to learn. After two weeks of losing my head, I'm now starting to regain at least some amount of control. Granted, I did expect resuming school after years of sitting around with barely anything to do to be crazy in the very beginning, especially with one heck of a commute five days a week. I still have much to work on regarding planning out my days and following through with the plans, as well as not overbooking myself and leaving enough wiggle room for unexpected changes. But, I'm settling into a routine, and it's getting easier as I go.

This heat needs to die, just saying.

Yesterday evening, we had another dressage lesson, because I didn't want to push Candy too hard in the high 80s temperature, especially after having jumped her the day before. First half of the lesson was all lateral and circular work, involving endless leg yields. The second half was all canter, which, despite still finding the dressage saddle highly awkward, I actually managed very well overall. Our cantering has vastly improved. It may have had a lot to do with just fiddling around and trying things out. Isn't it amazing, how the littlest things seem to have the biggest impacts? Loosening Candy's nose band by one hole, lengthening the stirrups by one hole, sitting more forward in the saddle with my "down there" touching the pommel instead of not, lifting my inside hip into a turn, rounding my shoulders and sending them back more... itty bitty moments that make up one big "that's all, folks". It's true what Karly says, that 99% of riding mishaps are rider errors. And often times, they are nothing more than small adjustments to tweak out here and there, and then things just fall into place. That, my friends, is where time and practice come in.

There is no question, that Candy is not an easy horse to ride. She's not a horse that your average rider would be happy to put up with. But, there is also no question that the difficult horses have the most to teach, and that a horse like Candy is what will make a rider a good rider. There will be off days. There will be frustrations. There will be "oh crap" moments. But in the end, there will be no regrets, and no going back.

It was only near the very end of our lesson, when Candy discovered that it was dinner time and that she was in the ring working instead of getting fed, did she start to lose patience with me. That, was completely understandable. I held out a bit longer before letting her have her way. As if I can't personally relate, that feeling when you're hangry, knowing that others nearby are eating, seeing food out, and not being able to get to it fast enough.

I waited for Candy to eat her dinner, and took my time finishing up. It was one hell of a workout, another muscle and cardio day for both Candy and me. It's incredible, how much exercise flat work can be. I was wonderfully sore afterwards, and of course, I got home later than I'd aimed for, again. Ezra was more than awesome enough to make dinner for us. I was tired enough to fall asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. Man, I tell ya, it was a good day. I'd accomplished everything that I'd wanted to, and it ended with a great riding lesson. For me, when in doubt, just go riding. There will never be a time, when I say to myself, "I really regret that ride today." No matter how busy I get, no matter what life throws at me, and no matter how little time there seems to be available to me, I will always ride, and I will always ride often, and more.

Labor Day weekend

Happy Labor Day! The best way to spend a third day off? A couple of extra hours at the barn, grooming and loving on the pony that I'd neglected for 2 weeks, of course! Boo that Ezra has had to work 2 out of the 3-day weekend. But that meant more time with my pony for me, with no guilt involved at all.

In all honesty, I felt awful. I'd seen Candy twice in the last 2 weeks. All excuses aside, it wasn't acceptable to me. I should've made the time, I should've sucked up being tired, I should've gone and ridden more than my 2 lessons over a 2-week period. I tried to make up for it as much as possible today. I did some of the circular leg yield exercises that Karly taught me the last time. I did a mini jump course. Well, more like setting up a few tiny jumps and then going at them in no certain order whatsoever, in whichever direction I felt like going after Candy started cantering. Candy did well. None of that mad dashing stunt that she pulled on me the last time. I was content enough to not push her today. The summer weather still insists on sticking around a bit longer, even though I was highly hoping for signs of fall after last week, and Candy takes heat about as well as I do.

I did decide to go on a trail ride and finally check out Susquehanna State Park. It turned out that trail riding isn't Candy's thing. The entire time, it didn't seem like she was able to make herself relax and enjoy the views at all. The running streams and rustling leaves made her uneasy, and the movements and sounds coming from the woods on both sides only unsettled her more. She refused to let me stop at any point, as if she just wanted to get out of there. I had to lift my guard up high, because the last thing I needed was a spook that would land me onto gravel and send my horse shooting off into the unknown. Not to mention the number of cars that constantly needed to get by us, that we'd probably annoyed. It's ok, Candy. It's not that exciting anyway. Even I was feeling claustrophobic on the narrow trail caved in by trees left, right, and over, and I'm certainly no fan of rocky grounds. Next time, we'll take the open field areas around the pastures on the property, where Leigh uses for cross-country lessons from time to time. I think we'll both be much more comfortable with a wider space, and I've been told that Candy loves cross-country.

On a side note, to my delight, I saw that Candy just got her feet done again. Her new shoes look to be a much better fit, and her hooves look like they've had a 180-degree turn-around since the first time I laid eyes on them. The farrier did an amazing job trimming the edges and filing down the cracks, and the bad parts look like they should be all grown out by the time her next pedicure comes around. I shall keep up with the apple cider vinegar hoof treatment. I'm convinced that it's been helping.

I made sure to give Candy a close check-over and extra pampering. I made her a snack of Cheerios with salt and garlic powder after we were done for the day. I gave her an extended rinse-down. I treated her girth itch with M-T-G. I brushed out her mane and tail until not one single bit of knot could be found. I even wiped her eye boogers. I sprayed apple cider vinegar on the little bit of rain rot that was left on her hind legs. Then I spritzed her well with fly spray, and gave her a ton of rubs and kisses. Honestly, I had so missed spending time with her.

In good timing, Karly shared this article on Facebook: Horsemanship Does Not Begin or End In the Saddle. It really rings true to me. As long as Candy is going to work for me, I'm going to take care of her, to the best of my abilities. The time I spend getting to know her and figuring her out goes far beyond the saddle. Not to mention, I enjoy being with her. No time spent with her is wasted time. I love her and cherish every moment of her company, her existence. I try to keep it under 3 hours every time I go to the barn. It never happens though. Certain things, on somedays, I can skip. Others, not unless I take a fall and get injured. I'm her rider, and therefore she's my responsibility. She's also my partner, my teammate, my best friend, for whom I only want the best, of everything possible. 

On a related subject, for Candy, I'm going to give up yoga classes until I start bringing in an income. While at the Renaissance Festival on Saturday, Ezra and I had a long discussion on our finances, which, of course, directly correlates with my monthly hobby expenses that happen to be all too high. Giving up Candy is unthinkable. That leaves me with the only alternative option. As soon as I start working and bringing home some money, I shall rejoin a yoga studio and take real classes again. In the meantime, starting next month, I will subscribe to a membership on YogaGlo and have unlimited monthly access to Kathryn Budig's online yoga classes and tutorials. I will also get Kathryn Budig's book of yoga for a guide. Ezra will build me a yoga floor over the carpet in our spare bedroom with plywood. I will create a yoga space with what I have, and I will do yoga at home as much as I can. I'm still a yogi and always will be. I will continue practicing yoga on a regular basis. I will set foot in a real studio again in the near future, and I will also start a consistent home practice. Just remember, this time will pass. This hard time for us will not last forever. There will come a time, when I will be able to do everything that I love without any worry or restraint. That time will come. I just need to be patient, and do what I can until then.

Decisions, some will always be harder than others

Something that I did today, I had ruminated on it long and hard. It was a painfully difficult decision, but alas, one that had to be made regardless. I'm canceling my membership at Peace Yoga when my four-month contract ends in October. My heart was lead heavy when I sent Heather the email, and I still want to cry just thinking about it. The one-hour commute to Towson and back 5 days a week can knock me over. Adding 35 to 40 minutes of driving to Bel Air and back a couple of times a week to my already crazy load of driving has become more and more daunting. The last thing that I want is for going to yoga classes to become one more source of exhaustion and stress in my life. I've been sapped of time, energy, and not to mention money. More time on the road plus more gas on top of it simply won't help. A 75-minute yoga class takes up a total of 3 hours of my day, with me spending almost as much time on driving for it as the class itself, and I just don't have enough hours in my day these days, nor enough energy. I'm going to crank it out this month, take as much advantage of the remainder of my membership as possible, make it all as positive as can be and then come October, I'm going to leave on a good note. I will be looking into joining Beachbee Yoga in Havre de Grace, which is all of 8 miles from home, with cheaper rates even, and I've only heard good things about the studio. I know I'm doing the right thing for myself. In order for me to be able to enjoy life and actually get what I want out of all my hobbies, I need to reduce my loads as much as possible, and not pile too much on myself for any reason. It breaks my heart to not take classes with Meghan, Tracy, and Heather again, but I'm sure they all understand. Perhaps someday, when life calms down for me, our paths will cross once more.

Oh, have I mentioned that I'm not doing a recital for my graduate project after all? I found out that in order to put on a graduate recital, no matter for what degree program, I would need to go through the voice department. Not only are they the ones in charge of setting it up, but also would they be the ones to grade and assess it. I would have no choice but to take lessons from someone on the voice faculty, and they want two consecutive terms of lessons minimum prior to the recital. So with that 4-year gap, my 4 terms of voice lessons prior wouldn't even matter. All of that added to one big fat oh hell no from me. I got together with Dr. McCabe, and following her recommendation, I'll be doing a research project instead, utilizing my student teaching opportunities next semester. Much better idea in every way possible. That one, was not a hard decision to make. Now, all the pressure is off. No recital to worry about, no new music to learn, no having to rush lessons just to put a recital together. I can just concentrate on myself, and sing for my own purposes. Yep, I'm doing this for me, and no one else. I'll be damned if I let anyone control me again. My voice is mine, my singing is mine, my artistic development is mine. "They" will never again have the pleasure of judging any part of me. "They" are permanently shut out of my life and will never be invited back in. If major changes of plans are required to ensure these stay in place, then I have zero hesitations and even less regrets.

Related note: my first lesson with my new voice teacher went very well today. I was nervous, obviously tired, and never mind that my voice is all over the place. But after just a little bit of listening to me and playing around with a few different trial and error exercises, right away, Jen was able to diagnose my biggest issue, which, honestly, I probably have been having since the start 10 years ago. Basically, I need to beat my tongue into submission. My tongue's tension and tendency to retract is what's been plugging up the back of my throat, pulling my soft pallet down with it, creating tension around my larynx, and keeping my sound trapped beneath. So, tongue stretches whenever I can, and Jen has already given me warm-up homework. She assigned me one of the Bellini art songs from my old repertoire, and I'll be sure to have it ready when I see her again in 2 weeks. I'll be having biweekly lessons with her in her home in Catonsville on Monday afternoons, after I'm done with classes at Towson. I'm really excited for this. Jen is a lovely and super sweet person, and I can already tell, a superb vocal technician and instructor. I think I'm in the best hands possible, and most importantly, I'm going to enjoy working with her, and having her fix me up in time. And I think I made a good first impression as well. I'm looking forward to Jen and I getting to know each other more and developing a good teacher-student relationship. I could certainly always use more mentors in my life, and I'm very much confident that I can trust my voice with Jen. Perhaps it's really not a bad thing that I have forgotten/lost a lot of my singing from lack of use for years. Maybe a long rest was exactly what I needed to loosen the bad habits and reset some muscle memory. Now, I can start over on a clean slate with no demands, no specific set of expectations. Just let me learn how to sing better for now, and I'll worry about the rest later.

Do it because you love it, above all else

Monday night's vinyasa yoga class with Meghan was a big hit. The class was totally booked. Of course, the beginning of a new month, and everybody felt the need to go to yoga on Monday. It was full to the rim, but surprisingly not overwhelming. I enjoyed every bit of it, despite the limited space. It amazed me, because normally, crowded yoga classes make me nervous and uncomfortable, being moderately claustrophobic. However, I did well, and I worked hard.

I felt like I had finally gotten my strength back, and my breath as well. I guess my ribs have finally healed completely. I was breathing my beloved and familiar deep breaths and moving with them, expanding my torso, and using the air going in and out of my lungs to propel me in and out of poses, fully and deeply. I felt energized and fueled again, and the love of yoga spread through my limbs, wrapping me over like a cozy blanket, lighting me up from the inside out. I felt happy. I felt complete. I felt awesome being there in the studio. Granted, skipped and modified poses still had to happen. But I didn't mind. What I cared about was the fact that I was there, and that I was practicing yoga, under the guidance of one of my favorite teachers in the world. I was simply feeling great, and loving it.

Tuesday night, despite the heat wave, I had my riding lesson. It was quite apparent from the start that not seeing Candy for a whole week made a difference, in the other direction. It was as if I'd forgotten everything I'd learned from the week before. Of course, I knew I had legitimate reasons for having not practiced my riding since my last lesson. The first week of school was insane, and no one would blame me for it. Nevertheless, I still felt a bit ashamed, especially with Candy's obvious restlessness followed by more moments of uncontrollable excitements. It did take two close calls before I figured out one of the leading culprits: someone had gotten to her saddle and shortened the stirrups. What the hell? How? Who would've used that saddle, since I'd assume that everyone knows it's Candy's, and who could've possibly ridden Candy without asking Leigh or myself first? Barn gremlins' assassination attempt? Well, after I lengthened the stirrups, Candy did manage to calm down, and we finished on a good note. The heat and humidity were doing a number on us both. I was glad to finally get to use the new wither pad on her, which I'd so happily gotten but had left sitting in the backseat of my car for a week, and I think it's helping her a lot. It was already dark by the time I got off at 8pm, and by the time I got everything packed up and put away, it was pitch black. Boo, shorter days. But please, let cooler weather come with it soon, please! I'm beyond done with this heat!

I don't know exactly when I'd gotten the chance to really think about this, but it's not always a bad thing when I start to really think, and think a lot, about something. I listened to myself confide in Ezra, and I was proud of myself for it. Perspectives matter, so much, for so many things. Recently, reading articles related to music education philosophies have inspired me. Just like we shouldn't be teaching any academic subject just for taking tests, we shouldn't be teaching music just for putting on concerts at the end of the year. Guess what? The same principle applies to what I do outside of my future career, competitively or no. I'm not taking voice lessons and practicing singing just so I can get hired by an opera company by a certain point in the near future. I'm not taking yoga classes and practicing yoga just so I can get yoga teacher certified by a certain point in the near future. I'm not taking riding lessons and practicing riding just so I can compete in horse shows by a certain point in the near future. Even if Candy ends up never taking me into a show ring, she still will have given me more than all my previous years combined as a rider who's learning how to ride, and how to ride well and better. Even if I never get to go to a single show with her before her eventual retirement, because of her, I will have gained countless valuable hours spent working on my horsemanship and equitation techniques. I will become a great rider with what I will have learned from her, and then I will only go on to become an even greater rider after her. I do it because I love it. I do it because it makes me happy, because I need it in my life, because it gives me something that I crave. I'm not trying to make money out of it. There's no deadline, no time frame, no rules, no set steps. Every time I ride, I'm better for it, and every time I ride, I gain something from it, simply because I went and did it. Every time I get on is going to be better than not getting on at all. Every ride is an improvement. Every ride is room for growth that I take advantage of. The only bad ride is one that does not happen. If, by any chance, I do happen to go far with it, god bless me, good for me. But that's not what I'm worried about, and that's not what I have to do in my life. I'm not training with the Olympics in mind. I'm training now just to get better at riding, and that's good enough for me. And guess what? It's fun for me, so there!

Life is short. Too short. Do what you love. Do what you truly enjoy. Do what makes your soul happy through and through, instead of only what you think you have to, or what you need to do just for the sake of getting to a certain point that you have decided to put in place for your future. Do things just for the heck of doing things. Do them for fun, for love, for you, with little to no focus on where you want to go with it. As long as you keep doing it because it makes you happy, it will continue to give you what you might never have even asked from it in the beginning.

Just keep moving forward

I have my old accompanist back. I have a new voice teacher. All of a sudden, it seems like so many things are moving forward at once! Maybe a little bit too fast, even.

I finally gathered enough courage to reach out to Jennifer Blades, a mezzo-soprano with whom my old friend Tania has been taking lessons from. She has graciously agreed to accept me into her studio. I will be meeting her this Thursday, and have a voice lesson again, for the first time in 4 years. I'm giddy and anxious at the same time. I have only heard good things about Jen. I have no doubt that with her help, I will get my voice back in no time. Oh, to actually sing again, for the first time after so long! 

I had my necessary few hours of wallowing in self-pity and low self-esteem today. I think I just had to get it out of my system some more, even if it has to be a few chunks at a time over some time. What if I'm just not good enough? What if I'll never be good enough at anything, no matter what I do and how hard I try? What if I'm a lousy musician, rider, yogi, and even wife? What if I'm doing everything wrong, messing everything up, and improving too slowly? What if I'm not improving fast enough for anyone's standards? What if I'll never make it in anything, jack of all trades, master of none? What if "they" were right about me?

I confessed to Ezra that there are times, when even though I want to go riding all the time, I don't feel up for going riding because honestly, I'm afraid; I'm afraid of not being able to tell if I'm doing things right; I'm afraid of going riding and then not riding well; I'm afraid of making some major mistakes, not have a good ride, come home disappointed; I'm afraid of not even knowing if I'm riding poorly, thus practicing toward even more bad habits and bad equitation. It was good to finally let it out and hear myself say it out loud, to someone who knows and understands me well. I guess I just had to hear it from Ezra, my ever pragmatic, practical, and encouraging husband: "if you're having fun, isn't that what matters?"

Now, let's try something else. What if I'm an amazing musician, rider, yogi, and wife? What if I've been doing everything right? What if I'm improving and getting better at what I do everyday, and excelling in everything that I've chosen to be a part of that makes me happy in my life? What if I'm actually great at what I do, all of it? What if there is absolutely no reason for me to have any doubt about myself, and my capabilities? What if my new voice teacher will totally love me?

I've gotten it all out. Now, let it go. Let it go for good. I will not let "them" win. "They" cannot, will never get to dictate my level of success. I am awesome, and I'm great at everything that I love doing. No matter what happens, no one can make me stop believing in myself, and I will win!

You don't have to do it all all the time

There will be times, when it's a good thing to admit that you can't do it all constantly. There will be times, when you just can't do everything you want to all the time. And I have come to accept that it's ok.

I'm taking this weekend off to recover from a very exhausting first week of school, and I'll be ready to restart in kickass mode next week when I'm rested and recuperated. Candy will understand, and I'm sure everyone else will understand as well.

Let's face it, the first week of school is rough on everyone. Who gets anything done the first week of school, other than being back in school? It's usually not until the second week of school at least that we all begin to feel like we're getting an ounce of control back into our lives. No, I'm not making excuses. It's simply the truth that I'd forgotten because I'd been out of school for too long, that I don't even remember what the first week of school is normally like, especially for college students. Being this tired shouldn't come as a surprise. It should've been expected. After 4 years, it's a bit of a shock on my system. And the difference between being 28 and being 24, I never would've imagined it being this noticeable. Yeah... what happened to all my energy? 

I think I might've written some amount on this before: that you do what you love because you love it, not because you feel like you have to do it or have no choice but to love it. It's true. If you feel like you have to drag your heels, then what's the point? I love riding and yoga with every fiber of my being. But if I'm hurting, or fatigued, or not feeling well, or just not up for it, then wouldn't they become chores that I have to force myself through as opposed to hobbies that I enjoy when I can and when I feel like it? The last thing I want is to feel obligated to go to the barn or the yoga studio. I don't want them to turn into things that I have to do instead of things that I want to do. And I've learned my lesson on this: the more I push myself when I shouldn't be, the more I force myself to go and go when I should be taking a step back and go easier on myself, the more they become responsibilities instead of recreations. I ride and do yoga because I want to and love to, not because I'm duty bound to. And I'm sure neither my trainer nor my yoga teachers would ever want riding and yoga to become obligations that I feel I must attend to so often at certain intervals, that I can't get away from at all even when I truly need to temporarily.

When you need a break, you need a break. For any reason, or for no reason at all. The world will still go on when you get back. It's a much better idea to hit the stop button, walk away for a bit, give yourself some time, and then start up again fully recharged, than to shove yourself through mud and grime, beat your body into submission, feel as if you have a deadline to meet in every corner, and desperately flail your way through as if your life depended on it, and all the time, growing weaker and sadder with every step because you refuse to let yourself refuel. 

No matter how important something is to me, I know I need to be able to say "no, not today" without feeling guilty. Because it's ok. There's a tomorrow, a next week, a next month. Once again, what's the rush? Candy will be here. Peace Yoga will be here. I will be here. I don't have to do it all at once. I don't even have to do it all in a short time. Take your time, catch your breath, regain your strength. Whenever you need to. And every time, it's more than ok for you to do so.

TGIF

Slight change in plan. Riding has been rescheduled to tomorrow. I was simply too tired today, and my entire right leg hasn't stopped making its opinions known. I did, at last, go see my doctor for it. She prescribed anti-inflammatory medication and physical therapy. I must remember to make an appointment on Monday. Fingers crossed that it works! The doctor doesn't think it's something too serious, yet. It could just be inflammation and minor patella injury, no more. It's not going to stop me or slow me down or anything though. Riding and yoga shall proceed as planned. I did appreciate a day off. I sure needed it. I felt bad not going to see Candy today, but then again, how can I take good care of my pony, if I don't take good care of myself first?

That brings me to another topic. I can't help but wonder if I'm about to pile too much onto my plate, again. Why is it always so hard for me to be sure?

Course load, field experience days, and professional portfolio aside, I want to stick to my original plan of a recital for my graduate project to complete my master's degree this year. And guess what? Putting together a graduate recital is a boat load of work, as if no one has seen that one coming. I'll have to squeeze out more time for daily vocal practicing, repertoire selection, score learning, and coaching sessions with my accompanist. For someone who's been out of this whole loop for 4 years, this is going to be anything but easy. I need to get my voice back in time, new pieces learned, dictions honed, and save ample rehearsal times with Katya. As if my schedule isn't already stuffed to the rim with classes, internships, homework, riding, yoga, and home caretaking, now I need more time to sing, too. Also, pulling a whole recital together without the supervision of a teacher is more than a bit daunting, something I've never done before in my 10 years on the music scene. Can I really get away with not taking lessons at all, and still pull this off well?

If there's any time for me to start fully believing in myself, it's now. I have to not stop saying to myself that I can do this, that I will succeed, and that I am good enough. It's a risk, but it's a chance that I have to take. It's one way to prove myself, to show "them" how wrong they were about me those years ago, and to let the world know that this is the real Holly Carr, the super awesome kickass music teaching, yoga practicing, and horseback riding opera singer!

In our own special ways, we can have it all.

First week down

My everywhere hurts, especially my feet from all the walking. I'm exhausted. Yeah, unfortunately, I'm not going to yoga tonight. I'm about to drop dead, and my whole body is crying for mercy.

And idiots be like... you don't know what tired is until you have kids. People who say stuff like this clearly have never gone to a day of college.

I got more errands done today after my one Thursday morning class, including a trip to the university bookstore for some course materials. Side note: there are perks to early morning classes and having to be at school by the crack of dawn. Under normal circumstances, never any problem finding a parking spot. When noon rolls around, the garages are jam packed. Also, Towson University is seeing me with makeup on for the first time. Behold the spectacle that is Holly wearing makeup to school!

I finally got around to taking my engagement ring to Smyth Jewelers in Timonium to get resized. While waiting for my wedding band's 1-hour spa treatment, I took a quick drive up to the Dover Saddlery store in Sparks, just a little ways away. I'm proud of my self-control. I managed to walk out with only exactly what I needed to get from there, and nothing more. Despite having to walk at least one round and admire the lines of beautiful bridles, bits, girths, and boots that I so want Candy to have, I only bought what I absolutely could not find one of at the barn to use that Candy really needs, which is a front riser wither pad, the kind that Karly told me to get for some saddle relieve, until she muscles up around her spine again. I can't wait for her to use it. I think she's going to feel much better with it! But oh, the longing, the temptation, the coveting feelings. Next year, Candy, next year. As soon as I land a job, one year from now, I will pamper you rotten, with all kinds of lovely new things, I promise! I will buy you monthly supplements, top quality fly sprays, the most delicious treats, plus a bridle and girth of your own, and maybe a full set of boots, too. You'll get new and colorful saddle pads, more and nicer wither pads, hoof polish, and maybe even a fly mask. Let these dreamy thoughts keep me motivated and help me through what's for sure going to be a tough year. The fact that all of last year's intensive term interns who became certified and who applied for music teaching jobs are now employed is certainly comforting news. If I could just cover my portion of our bills, there should be no objection to me spoiling my pony.

Random fact of the day: apparently I have a very memorable face, but a very unmemorable name. More than one former professor of mine have said something along the line of "I recognize your face, but what's your name again?" Well, as long as I stay clear of the voice department, my PTSD will not be triggered. I'm already starting to get used to being on campus again, and the Center for the Arts building. This time, I've gone in with a whole different attitude and perspective. I'm there to learn, to complete my education, to get my degree and my teacher certification that'll get me a real and hopefully good job afterwards. I'm not there to kiss anyone's ass. 

Thank the gods, tomorrow I have off. No field experiences this week. The plan is to ride tomorrow evening, and do yoga Saturday morning. Oh, and at some point, I need to get started on homework, too.

By the way, school is expensive, did you know that? I feel like this first week of back to school is making our bank account weep. Yes, it'll get better, once I'm settled and no longer need to buy food at school, and have everything I need for my classes. Until then... I'm beyond grateful that my student loans are now on deferment.

It has begun

First day of classes. Yay.

It's a little after 9pm, and I just want to go to sleep. I discovered this morning that I need to leave even earlier than 6:45am to beat rush hour traffic in its entirety all the way from 95 to 695 to the middle of Towson. And that means getting up at 5:30am to be out the door by 6:30am in order to have ample time for everything in the morning. Fun. How fun. I love this state. I really do.

Everyone was beyond grateful for the instructor of our Wednesday night class calling it an early night tonight. It was a good day, but really, really long, involved a ton of physical exertion in the warmth of the late morning sun, and by the time I made it home at around 8pm, I was burnt through and through. How relieved was I to kick off my running shoes, dump my dirty, sweaty clothes that I'd worn for more than 12 hours into the hamper, and jump into a hot shower. Orientation day was a big day for the 2015 - 2016 intensive term music education pre-interns/teacher certification candidates, preparing this semester to enter into our student teaching internships in Maryland public schools in the spring. I'm easily one of the oldest if not the oldest of this year's group. And I could tell by my energy level for the outdoor team building challenge courses compared to the others. However, one thing for sure, and I'd been nervous and unsure about it until today: it's a wonderful feeling to be welcomed back into the department with open arms. Two new faculty members, both are very nice people. At the end of the orientation, I had my "official" intensive term interview with the department, in my gym clothes that I'd worn for this morning's workout, for nobody saw the need for me to change into the business casual attire that I'd actually prepared for the short but necessary occasion. Turning in a few pieces of last minute paperwork meant my complete acceptance into the program. Congratulations to me. Thank you again, Dr. McCabe! Granted, there's still a to-do list that awaits me, but I have the weekend to get it all done by the 31st. And I have nothing planned this weekend for a good and imaginable reason.

I did spend yesterday, my last day of "freedom", eventfully. I had my first dressage lesson with Karly. It was clear and expected that Candy is more than a bit rusty on the whole dressage subject, but we think she'll pick it back up quickly. Man, a dressage saddle felt weird, especially with such long stirrups and having to sit so far back and deep on the horse! It wasn't brutally hot, thankfully, but riding with the sun directly overhead in the early afternoon was certainly no walk in the park. I couldn't blame Candy one bit for being as lazy as I'd ever seen her. Despite it all, it was one more valuable lesson. Granted, my legs felt like they each had an iron ball and chain attached to it by the end. I had a couple more lightbulb moments, which Karly promised I'll have more and more of as I continue riding more and more. Realizing full well that my once weak and sloppy legs had gotten me into some trouble by wanting to swing backwards to often, I'd developed a tendency to stick my legs a little too forward at times in order to prevent that, especially in an attempt to compensate the whole concept of sitting up and back in the saddle and needing to "push" from my hips. The trick comes when I should keep my upper body still and straight, sit back, and still keep my legs right underneath me, not too far front and not too far back. If I could just unlock my lower back (which isn't always easy, considering my lower back pains), keep my hips open and knees out, calves "hugging" Candy's belly, while all at the same time, prop my upper body with my core at all times, and have my legs tucked snug and under, then I can practically have my behind glued to the saddle, "swing" with Candy's every motion instead of bounce against her canter strides, "drive" Candy with my seat and legs with full control, and really use my body to propel as well as slow her as needed, whenever and wherever. Sounds simple enough, right? Yeah, easier said than done. I swear, I get it. The idea is bright and clear in my head. Forcing my stubborn body to all click together at the exact right time, then stay that way, and do it the same over and over again, on the dot each time, whole different story. Once again, why doesn't everyone ride? Because it's so damn hard!

But, if every time I ride, I learn something and improve, that's what counts, remember? The important part is that I'm constantly acquiring new knowledge and putting it to use, pushing my comfort zone just a bit farther every time I climb onto the saddle, and then practicing until it becomes mine. Hey, isn't that what it takes to master anything in life?

It's going to be a semi long day tomorrow, but I'm looking forward to Heather's yoga for athletes class tomorrow night!

Off days are good days, too

There's something about being in a yoga studio when there's a raging thunderstorm outside. Doing yoga to the sounds of thunder and rain in the background is strangely soothing. Flashes of lightning only gives the whole experience an even more colorful effect. I'm grateful that it wasn't raining hard when I needed to walk to my car though.

I'm not sure if it's because I haven't been going to yoga as often as I did before my accident, or that my right leg is kind of messed up right now since both my ankle and knee are complaining out loud. I'm also not sure if I'd forgotten how to yoga breathe since I bruised my ribs, and now am having to retrain my lungs and diaphragm to cooperate again. Or maybe I haven't been eating enough protein lately, or that I didn't eat as much as I should've before class again. It's just been off for me. I've been feeling weak, in both of the last two vinyasa classes I'd attended. I could swear that I'd been able to keep up with everything a whole lot better, and any muscle soreness from the poses I would have experienced after class, not in the middle of class, and as a result, not being able to hold them as solidly as I know I can. Having to catch my breath from time to time is still an issue, stupid ribs that are taking forever to get back to normal. I've just been running out of stamina a lot faster than what I thought I'd gotten used to running on at one point in time. I thought I was supposed to be getting stronger as I went and the more I practiced, not backpedaling. Something has been sapping my energy, and I can't seem to place my finger on it.

And this is right after Meghan emphasized the importance of embracing our imperfections and letting go of self-criticisms, and repeated throughout the whole class that we should not focus on what we think we're supposed to be able to do, but on what we're doing and are already capable of instead. Way to be practicing self-love and forgiveness, Holly. Did we lose your attention for one minute here? Hello, pause, rewind, restart. Whatever the reason might be, it doesn't matter that much. You tried, didn't you? You did what you could, didn't you? How many times have I heard this, from every one of my yoga teachers: it's your practice, your body, your experience, and your progress. Nothing to compare to, nothing to measure up to, nothing to worry about, and no deadlines to meet. Setbacks are normal, remember? Off-days are a part of the game. I only recently read an article that basically sums it up: learn to not only get used to but also cherish sucking. You need to suck a lot before you begin to suck less. I even wrote a whole blog entry on this subject not that long ago. It applies to riding, and it applies to yoga. Except, maybe yoga for me is slightly more low key than riding. But, once again, friendly reminder to self: it's ok, as long as you do your best and keep going. You're working hard, and you're always trying harder. It's ok to cut yourself some slack from time to time. You are only human! By the way, you're doing great, because you're not stopping!

What do we learn from off-days? The fact that we showed up, went, and faced them to begin with says something. Everyday can't be a perfect day. I went to the studio and got through a yoga class, that in and of itself is an accomplishment. Whether I was at my 100% or not, I gave what I was able to give, and I did what I could do with how much I had. I still challenged myself, and my body still marked the experience. I went and did it, and that by itself counts. And we get something out of each practice, each time, on a great day or off day. 

We, as human beings, are messy creatures, in so many ways. But messiness keeps things interesting. Imperfections are what make us unique individuals. Imperfection is beautiful. I know I'm a hot mess, and I've learned to revel in it.

I'm ready

I had a nice and relaxing weekend with my husband, my last "free" weekend before I'm a student again. School starts this coming week, in 3 days, to be exact. I think I'm as ready as can be. I decided to take this weekend off to spend it all with Ezra, since we'll be seeing each other a lot less when time comes for me to go to Towson five days a week. And for the reason that I tweeked my knee somehow, most likely from riding. Granted, I've been "feeling" a dull sensation on and off in my right knee for some time now, but it was insignificant enough for me to ignore it. Then, after riding on Friday, I got off to my knee actually hurting, a sharp prodding every time I put weight on it, bend it, straighten it, and so on. It still hasn't gotten better, so I'm going to be not stubborn and make a doctor's appointment for it. Not that knee injuries are uncommon among equestrians, but a bad knee is a pain in the rear to say the least, and a lifetime of trouble to say the most. So, better safe than sorry. We had a date night at Buffalo Wild Wings tonight, after spending a whole afternoon on getting our apartment cleaned, which was my final before school to-do list check off, and each of us had a delicious alcoholic beverage. I savoured every bit of it. Going out drinking on a Sunday night? Might not happen again until winter break. I was actually drunk by the time we got home. Still such a light weight, despite not being on any medication anymore.

Friday I had a light ride, but a great ride. After a few rounds of our usual small gymnastics exercises, one of which I extended for challenge's sakes, I rewarded Candy by sending her over the 2'9'' vertical that I'd been eyeing for some time in the ring. She cleared it beautifully, twice. No rushing, no stumbling, no throwing herself aimlessly. And both times, I felt great about myself. I didn't tense up, and I didn't grab mane either. I sat back, held my canter seat to the bottom of the jump, and snapped into two-point when Candy picked up her front legs. Granted, I still have so, so much to work on as far as that goes. Karly has said that sitting up all the way to the jump, waiting until the last second possible, and then getting into two-point with the horse's upper motion as soon as the horse takes off for the jump, is what all higher level jumpers should aspire to master. The timing and coordination take a whole lot of time and practice to perfect, more so when you start jumping higher than three feet. Of course, knowing when to use the half-seat will also be crucial when I begin riding cross-country, but I have faith that I will get to a point where I will just know it every time, that my body and Candy's will just play call and response automatically, balance each other, and give each other all the necessary feedbacks without any extra effort on either of our part, whether we're out on a cross-country course or in a showjumping arena. Eventually, it'll all be done by feel, and we'll both know exactly what to feel for every time, and I'll never have to think anything about it beforehand ever again. There's no doubt that I'm riding Candy better and better, and that we're both improving with every ride. It was almost dark by the time I dismounted. I had practiced my canter positions, using my body to adjust Candy's strides. I had practiced my two-point position, at the trot and at the canter. I even worked on my sitting trot. Taking into consideration how many times poor Candy tripped due to bad footing in the ring following heavy rainfall from the day before, I couldn't blame her for being a tad bit wary. I had a serious "oh shit" moment, when Candy tripped right after a canter pole and right before a crossrail, decided to take off and go over the crossrail right away anyway without even a nanosecond of pausing, then tripped again upon landing after the crossrail, and had to flail her way over the landing rail at the end. I would've given a lot to have seen a freeze frame of my face through all that. 

The interesting things that keep happening to you when you are a horse person: your equine friend gets a nosebleed and decides that the best solution is to wipe it on you. 

Here's a random thought: is it just me, or does it happen to all other equestrians, that you almost seem to always come back a much better rider after a bad fall than you were before, every time? I feel like since my last serious incident (the left side of my rib cage can still feel it, by the way), I made a grand return full throttle, and things have just been shooting uphill ever since. Granted, I've been putting in more lesson blocks recently, but hey, maybe a fall like that was what I needed. Scary thought, but maybe it just happened to have worked out in my favor.

One week more

Classes start exactly one week from today. I'm excited and nervous at the same time. What had gone into this decision were not all easy, and going back to school is always a big step to take. But in my guts, I know that I'm 100% doing the right thing this time. That master's degree and teacher certification will be mine in one year's time. Here's to the prospect of a real job, a good career, and finally making enough money to not only pay my student loans, but also buy lots of things for Candy!

I'm going to miss Wednesday evening ashtanga yoga. Come next week, at 5:30pm on every Wednesday, I'll be sitting in a classroom, wishing I were in the yoga studio instead. I'm hoping with all my heart that Tracy will get an additional class spot at some point in the near future. I love ashtanga yoga and Tracy's teaching, and it will break my heart to have to stop all together.

Karly and I are planning for some dressage lessons starting next week. Candy's dressage saddle set has been calling to be put back into work, and it's about time for me to start learning real dressage. I want to be a well rounded rider, and if I want to become an eventer, well, now is as good as ever to begin serious dressage training. And I know for a fact that a good dressage foundation will solidify my jumping foundation as well. Perhaps we can start switching off, jumping lesson one week and dressage lesson the next week and so on so forth. From what I've heard, Candy is a fun dressage horse, and I'd love to someday, take her to freestyle dressage shows. In my head I've been making a fun playlist. Holly Carr and Midnight Candy, the dressage rock and roll duo, how does that sound?

I did appreciate a couple of good days of rest, though I'm not sure how much riding time I'll get this week, looking at these thunderstorm forecasts. I am, however, welcoming the idea of a few more rainy days to bring down the temperature a little. It would be nice if we could go into September with some cooler weather. I do plan on having at least a little bit of no stirrup and/or bare back work the next chance I get. Maybe I'll start putting "leg days" into my riding schedule, like Karly does with her Bubby. I'm probably not going to enjoy them, but we all know I need them.

I know I might've said this before, but I can't wait for fall. Being able to ride in the afternoons, cross country training, Fair Hill, and possibly shows! I have high hopes for Candy and I being competition ready by the time the weather begins to cool and the leaves begin to turn, and this fall seems like a suitable time for me to begin my eventing career. I've got plans, and I want to get started on them.

The possibilities are endless!

Get up, show up, and never give up

You know you had an effective riding lesson, when you sit back, straighten up, open your rib cage, and twist your torso accordingly to drive your car through a turn.

I'm also pretty certain Candy is in season again. And I could swear she just had her last period 3 weeks ago. Really, lady, really? When is pony menopause? Oh, wait, they don't have that. I'm lucky that Candy has never been "marish". She is able to work and function normally throughout her cycles. Hardly ever acts up, a little bit of grump and impatience here and there, no more. But I still can't imagine it being a pleasant time for her if it happens too often, especially during the summer months. Unfortunately, unlike humans, it's not physically or mentally comfortable for other mammals at their most sexually receptive phases. I'm keeping an eye out for any sign of menstrual pain. Considering Candy's age and behavior patterns, Mare Magic, thankfully, is not necessary. Aimee, whom I rode with on Okinawa and who has a good deal of knowledge on OTTBs, thinks Candy might actually have been caslicked at a young age because she did once race, and if she is, then it would explain her seasons not being extreme. I'm still not going to push her too hard when I can pick up obvious signs of her being in heat though. Back pains and hormonal side effects related to the feminine cycles are not fun for anyone, human or horse.

We did more gymnastics today. Must remember, release, and more release! Give her the reins, and just let her do it! So, yes, we had another lesson today, although of course, I decided to rest up this weekend and did not ride at all since our last lesson on Friday. Since it was on the warm side today, and our lessons tend to be rigorous even on "light days", I made sure to sneak plenty of salt into Candy's food, as well as place a small bucket of water on the ground by the feed bucket, when I arrived just in time for her to eat breakfast. I feel lucky that Candy will eat all the salt and garlic powder with no complaints, as long as they're put into her food. We did try not to do too much today, for the temperature was rising pretty quickly from 10am on, and the humidity level was higher. It was about as hot and humid as I am willing to ride in. Have I mentioned how much I'm looking forward to not having to pick and choose my riding times in the daylight hours based on the positions of the sun and the hourly weather forecast and temperature prediction by Weather Whiskers on my phone? And because despite having lights all around, I just don't like riding in the dark. I'm dreaming of shades over the ring, or even better, an indoor ring.

Karly drilled my canter position for a long time. Yet another moment when I'm grateful for a good trainer. Just one of the many small fine-tunings that have yielded tremendous results for me and Candy. I discovered that riding in the half seat the whole time while cantering isn't the best idea. As I approach a jump, yes. For a jump prep, yes. But holding a half seat constantly throughout the canter doesn't work for Candy. I learned to adjust her strides with tiny shifts of my hips. Sit back, straighten up, and open the hips accordingly is the way to go. How wide I open my hips and how far back I sit my seat are what makes the differences in Candy's canter pace and impulsion. It's all little twerks with my body that I need to sort out, and then stick with what works the best for my horse. I'm doing much better with my turning position now. I still need to work on preparing for turning earlier, looking in the direction of the turn sooner, and begin adjusting my body, as well as legs and hands if necessary, for going into the turn and where I'm turning to more ahead of time. Again, the people who think riding is easy have never ridden, and probably never will.

It's been a good weekend

It felt like ages since the last time I was in a vinyasa yoga class. Understandable, but I still felt like a bum when I stepped into the upstairs studio this morning. It was an instructor whom I hadn't tried out before, so I was excited and a bit nervous at the same time. It turned out to be a good class. Granted, the only one of us who had any success with a hand stand at all was a 13-year-old gymnast who looked like she weighed nothing at all. For me, no luck yet. And yes, I also fully realize that getting older sucks. What I wouldn't give for a teenager's level of energy and flexibility nowadays. If I've been doing yoga since age 13, I'd probably also be a whole lot better off at my age now. But, again, life long progress, remember? Things just might happen to us at certain times for certain reasons. I think I would like to keep going to Margarita's Sunday morning vinyasa class. She's quite a fun teacher, and does amazing arm balance inversions!

After lunch, Ezra and I went to the pool in our apartment complex for the first time since we moved here. Not being a fan of open water, I swam one round and then spent the rest of the time sunbathing, hoping to even out my tan a little. Yep, my equestrian tan lines that are all too obvious to those who know what to look for. Ezra spent the whole time mostly in the water, hoping to include swimming as one more form of exercise that he can somewhat enjoy in his weight loss program. In case you haven't noticed yet, my husband is not the least bit interested in horseback riding or yoga, and this will probably remain a disappointment for me for the rest of our lives. My husband is also among the majority of Americans who find no joy in working out, something that can be hard to comprehend for those of us who are fitness junkies. But, one important factor to marital bliss includes different tastes, hobbies, and being able to spend time doing fun things separately without each other, correct? He's a scientist, I'm a musician. He has his Magic the Gathering and games, I have my horse and yoga. It all balances out.

Not that I'm that much of a poolside person anyway, going into the water or not. It was hot out, and I got bored quickly. Not to mention, I just don't find bikinis very comfortable to wear, elastics and straps and strings stretched tight behind my neck and all. But I think my tan looks slightly better now.

In the evening, Ezra left for Virginia and will be there till Friday. I do plan on spending some extra time at the barn and in the yoga studio during this week that I'm on my own. It's my last week to cram in some more riding and yoga time before I'll have to split my life into several chunks again. Sorting out a consistent weekly riding and yoga schedule once school starts won't be easy, and keeping up with trying to do each at least three times a week will be a challenge to say the least. But when you want to do something badly enough, you squeeze out time for it and make it work. That's how you fit it all in and enjoy your life at the same time.

Day off on a Saturday

I took a day off. It was necessary. I slept in pretty late this morning, for the first time in what felt like ages upon ages. Phew, that felt good!

I'm still sore, and my ankles still hurt. But I'm fully aware that these are simply normal parts of life for me. If I were to wake up not sore anywhere one day, it's going to be really weird, to say the least. Like what my previous trainer Bethany used to say, "if I weren't sore, I'd wonder if I were still alive!"

That being said, resting often and well is also crucial. It's not a bad thing to push ourselves, but like with everything else, it ought to be done with moderation. Pushing too hard is not only counterproductive, but also not healthy in general. Our bodies are not machines, and even machines wear out from fatigue and overuse.

While demonstrating my head stand progress to Ezra this morning, I found that I was able to balance myself vertically with both feet off the floor with relative ease. Granted, I only lifted my legs up a little ways, but it was an inversion all right, an upside down arm balance nonetheless, half of a complete head stand. The fact that I was able to do that much without thinking a lot about it, and the fact that I couldn't get anywhere near that far just a couple of weeks ago, just made my day from the start. With a couple of nice chaturangas thrown in there, I got my show-off for the day out of the way.

I do feel the need to mention this: yesterday, at the allergist's office, I weighed in at 145 lbs on the scale. It was a sigh of relief, as well as one more bonus point for me. Looking in the mirror, I can tell that even my arms, the weakest parts on my body, which my grandmother had compared to match sticks one year ago, have widened and are now clearly showing signs of muscles. I have won, after nearly eight years of struggle to get up to and maintain a healthy weight for my height and built. People might think I'm crazy. People might joke and say that they wish they had my problem. People might think I've been trying to prove something else by "working on getting fatter". But they don't know just how hard it's been for me, that being on the other end of the spectrum is no walk in the park either, and that for so long, it was as if I could never force enough nutrition into me. It was beyond frustrating, to be at the mercy of my body's fiendish metabolism as well as its seemingly endless limitations associated with being underweight. Having gone from 110 to 145, it was no easy journey, and it took a good deal of determination and persistence. I'm feeling my best and happiest at last. I no longer feel as if a gust of wind could snap me like a twig. I no longer feel frail and sickly. I am strong and healthy now. I have come a long way, and you bet I'm proud of myself, of my newly fit and toned body with its good amount of muscle mass, of my tenacity and the hard work that had gone into it all. I am a true athlete now, and I will continue to be for many, many years to come. 

My day off today was a good one. While visiting a small wine and gift shop on main street in downtown North East hoping to find a good bottle of red wine for making Julia Child's boeuf bourguignon, my taste buds surrendered to a locally brewed Late Harvest Vidal Blanc, which I pretty easily convinced my loving and generous husband to buy a bottle of, even though he's not a wine person at all. Along with a bottle of Merlot, I left the shop satisfied and tipsy, following five rounds of wine tasting. 

The Merlot served its purpose well. Our dinner tonight was a huge success. The hours spent preparing and then waiting for the boeuf bourguignon, along with a fine mess in the kitchen accompanied by two loads of dishes, had paid off beautifully. It was probably the most delicious dish I have ever participated in creating, also possibly the best stew I've ever eaten in my life. After dinner, I indulged in a 1/4 glass of my sweet and delicious dessert white wine by myself, savoring the fact that I'm a huge fan of not only French food, but also French alcohol. Mind you, I know I will never grow to love cooking. But Julia Child just might be able to help me get to the point of no longer hating it. And cooking together with my husband, who happens to have always loved it, is actually fun. That being said, it does help that I married a man who is great in the kitchen and enjoys every bit of it.

 

Today was a wonderful day. I think I'll sleep well tonight.