Decisions, some will always be harder than others

Something that I did today, I had ruminated on it long and hard. It was a painfully difficult decision, but alas, one that had to be made regardless. I'm canceling my membership at Peace Yoga when my four-month contract ends in October. My heart was lead heavy when I sent Heather the email, and I still want to cry just thinking about it. The one-hour commute to Towson and back 5 days a week can knock me over. Adding 35 to 40 minutes of driving to Bel Air and back a couple of times a week to my already crazy load of driving has become more and more daunting. The last thing that I want is for going to yoga classes to become one more source of exhaustion and stress in my life. I've been sapped of time, energy, and not to mention money. More time on the road plus more gas on top of it simply won't help. A 75-minute yoga class takes up a total of 3 hours of my day, with me spending almost as much time on driving for it as the class itself, and I just don't have enough hours in my day these days, nor enough energy. I'm going to crank it out this month, take as much advantage of the remainder of my membership as possible, make it all as positive as can be and then come October, I'm going to leave on a good note. I will be looking into joining Beachbee Yoga in Havre de Grace, which is all of 8 miles from home, with cheaper rates even, and I've only heard good things about the studio. I know I'm doing the right thing for myself. In order for me to be able to enjoy life and actually get what I want out of all my hobbies, I need to reduce my loads as much as possible, and not pile too much on myself for any reason. It breaks my heart to not take classes with Meghan, Tracy, and Heather again, but I'm sure they all understand. Perhaps someday, when life calms down for me, our paths will cross once more.

Oh, have I mentioned that I'm not doing a recital for my graduate project after all? I found out that in order to put on a graduate recital, no matter for what degree program, I would need to go through the voice department. Not only are they the ones in charge of setting it up, but also would they be the ones to grade and assess it. I would have no choice but to take lessons from someone on the voice faculty, and they want two consecutive terms of lessons minimum prior to the recital. So with that 4-year gap, my 4 terms of voice lessons prior wouldn't even matter. All of that added to one big fat oh hell no from me. I got together with Dr. McCabe, and following her recommendation, I'll be doing a research project instead, utilizing my student teaching opportunities next semester. Much better idea in every way possible. That one, was not a hard decision to make. Now, all the pressure is off. No recital to worry about, no new music to learn, no having to rush lessons just to put a recital together. I can just concentrate on myself, and sing for my own purposes. Yep, I'm doing this for me, and no one else. I'll be damned if I let anyone control me again. My voice is mine, my singing is mine, my artistic development is mine. "They" will never again have the pleasure of judging any part of me. "They" are permanently shut out of my life and will never be invited back in. If major changes of plans are required to ensure these stay in place, then I have zero hesitations and even less regrets.

Related note: my first lesson with my new voice teacher went very well today. I was nervous, obviously tired, and never mind that my voice is all over the place. But after just a little bit of listening to me and playing around with a few different trial and error exercises, right away, Jen was able to diagnose my biggest issue, which, honestly, I probably have been having since the start 10 years ago. Basically, I need to beat my tongue into submission. My tongue's tension and tendency to retract is what's been plugging up the back of my throat, pulling my soft pallet down with it, creating tension around my larynx, and keeping my sound trapped beneath. So, tongue stretches whenever I can, and Jen has already given me warm-up homework. She assigned me one of the Bellini art songs from my old repertoire, and I'll be sure to have it ready when I see her again in 2 weeks. I'll be having biweekly lessons with her in her home in Catonsville on Monday afternoons, after I'm done with classes at Towson. I'm really excited for this. Jen is a lovely and super sweet person, and I can already tell, a superb vocal technician and instructor. I think I'm in the best hands possible, and most importantly, I'm going to enjoy working with her, and having her fix me up in time. And I think I made a good first impression as well. I'm looking forward to Jen and I getting to know each other more and developing a good teacher-student relationship. I could certainly always use more mentors in my life, and I'm very much confident that I can trust my voice with Jen. Perhaps it's really not a bad thing that I have forgotten/lost a lot of my singing from lack of use for years. Maybe a long rest was exactly what I needed to loosen the bad habits and reset some muscle memory. Now, I can start over on a clean slate with no demands, no specific set of expectations. Just let me learn how to sing better for now, and I'll worry about the rest later.