It's another new week

Here's the thing about keeping busy: time flies by. September is already at an end. Less than 3 more months on this schedule from hell.

My last handful of rides were almost too good to be true. I was waiting for a train wreck to happen at my lesson on Friday, but it turned out to be another great lesson. Let's just say that as far as riding goes, last week was awesome. Was it all just luck and coincidence? Well, I need to make myself actually believe that my rides are getting better because I'm becoming a better rider, and that with time and practice, there will be less and less "bad" rides, and more and more good ones.

Candy and I have worked out a well paced, collected, and evenly strided canter. Now that I've worked on my seat, I need to work more on my jumping position. Karly drilled my two-point on Friday, sending me and Candy over a low double oxer again and again, until the both of us really had to be done. And now that I'm able to control Candy's canter speed much better, I need to work out a balance: impulsion with collection, pace with forwardness. And oh, don't forget to release! Release before the jump, and more release over the jump. Start giving her the reins for the final 2 - 3 strides to the jump, and then just let her go. Give her her neck, give her the control of her own body to make the leap up and then down. I know I still need to work on loosening my elbows and relaxing my arms, allowing my hands to "flow" with Candy's movements as she canters, and not holding my arms frigid to lead to stiffness on her mouth, so that Candy can freely "bounce" her head and neck as needed with her strides. Spongy elbows, soft on the reins, gentle on the bit. I must practice the half halt more, too. Charlotte Dujardin has emphasized the importance of a hot horse needing to learn how to ridden with the legs on. Now that I'm getting to know Candy more and more, I also know what I definitely shouldn't let her get away with. It's a give and take. She gets what she needs from me, and I'm asking the same of her. I'm working my seat for her canter, but I also need to sit the canter how I need to, with my legs where they need to be, and keep myself steady and secure in the saddle.

Also, no looking down while turning! No leaning to the inside of the turn, no shifting the weight forward toward the turn, sit back and twist the upper body with the horse into and out of the turn! I know, a lot to remember, a lot to keep repeating to myself, a lot to keep in mind at all times, until they can all click together and become as natural as breathing. Yep, it's a lot of work, in case you didn't know this already. 

Listen to your horse. I don't think any trainer can say this enough times. Pay attention to what your horse is telling you, try and understand why it does what it does, try and figure out what you're doing that it's reacting to. Under normal circumstances, a horse doesn't just "act up" for no reason. 99% of what they do are not out of spite and carry no malicious intents. Chances are, they're doing something a certain way because it's something that they feel like they have to do in order to compensate for something that their rider is doing that's making things hard for them. As your horse's rider, your job is to let your horse do its job, and your goal is to make your horse's job as easy for your horse as possible. Try doing less, when doing more isn't working!

Embracing autumn

This weekend, for the first time in months, I was able to ride without a dire urge to hose myself down along with Candy afterwards.

And I had two days of great rides, especially Sunday morning. The weather was glorious, and I had an even better time, made all the lovelier with a soft, cool breeze on my face the whole time. Candy was on her good behavior, feeling no need to rush. I had known this all along as well, that I hadn't been riding enough, that I need to hit the barn at least 3 times a week to keep myself as well as Candy in riding shape and grounded. Candy needs that kind of regular, frequent work to not grow itchy and restless. She hates long stretches of idleness. I should've always known this.

I even pulled myself back together and resumed a fitness regime, starting with setting foot in the gym on campus this morning upon my usual early arrival at school. I've made up my mind to utilize the time before my 8am class on Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday at the gym instead of trying to do homework and often failing, and I know without an ounce of uncertainty that this is a much better plan for so many reasons. Just 20 minutes on the elliptical this morning made one heck of a difference in starting my day. And guess what? I could always use more cardio.

I'm not going to yoga classes anymore, to much sadness, and to much relief as well. I ordered two yoga blocks, a yoga strap, and a bottle of yoga mat cleaner online from Gaiam. We will go to Lowe's and get a piece of plywood to create a hard yoga surface for me on our carpeted living room floor. I will do what I can with our limited space to set up a good home practice. As soon as I have everything ready, I will sign up for YogaGlo. I certainly am excited to take online yoga classes with Kathryn Budig!

As far as me and Candy, I'm beginning to believe that trial and error is the way to go. Keep trying out different things, see what work and what don't. Other than forcing my legs into still submission, as well as keep reminding myself, every few strides if I have to: chest out, shoulders back, head up, look ahead, and BREATHE! Count the breaths with the strides if I have to. Engage the core, tuck the bellybutton to the spine, open the hips, flex the pelvis. Toes forward, heels down, calves on. Remembering what Bethany had once told me: "if you think you're sitting back, sit back a little more." 

I made sure to add in more two-point work, because I felt like my two-point had gotten sloppy. Trot poles are great for that purpose. I shortened my stirrups again, and kept a good eye on my lower legs. We worked on a low wide double oxer exercise, which I think Candy enjoyed. She really has gotten so much better at not going at jumps too fast. My one lightbulb moment, upon discovering Candy's tendency to speed out upon landing a jump, was that my core either simply not engaged enough, or is out of shape and therefore not strong enough to push myself up immediately as she hits the ground to collect her and bring her back to me. So I pushed my core, as well as my legs, until I could really feel both cry for mercy. 

We had one minor incident, which was no big deal, but it did make me take a step back and remember to slow down again. Feeling adventurous, I set up a 3-foot jump, only to end up chickening out and taking Candy to it way too slowly. A swift refusal landed me bum first on the ground. It was a light and small enough fall that it didn't even scare Candy. She stayed where she was, seemingly confused that I wasn't on her anymore. Honestly, I probably saw it coming well ahead of time, and knew it was going to end that way. Deciding that it would be a better idea for me to do that under supervision, I lowered the pole to 2'9''. Candy went over it a few times back and forth fine, but not as smoothly as I would've liked. Perhaps I'd set the take off and landing poles too close on the ground, not leaving enough space in between them and the jump for her to clear it the way she needs to do it well. She is, after all, a tall girl with long legs and big strides. I'll have to consult Karly on the subject of how far apart to set the different jumps and ground poles for her.

It's really the hard to ride horses that have the most to teach.

For an equestrian, there are generally two options: go for the easy horse who's content plopping around the ring with less than one bit of care about what you do, who will put up with anything and who doesn't feel the need to let you know otherwise, and remain a mediocre rider for life, or go for the difficult horse who will not put up with less than good equitation, who will push you past all limits, who will expect more from you and really teach you how to ride, and be drilled into a great rider in time.

I want to be a great rider. I want to learn how to ride well, and I want to ride Candy well. A great horse deserves a great rider.

We have good days, and we have bad days. But at the end of everyday, I want Candy to know how much I love her, and how thankful I am to have her in my life, always motivating me and moving me forward. 

Perfect practice makes perfect

"Practice doesn't make perfect. Perfect practice makes perfect." - George Morris 

You know those moments, when you know exactly what you're supposed to do, when you can picture it perfectly, step by step, when it's as vivid in your mind's eye as if it's played out in live action right in front of you?

Damn frustrating when you just can't seem to maneuver your body parts to all move in the right places at the right times and follow all the instructions that your brain is practically screaming at them, especially when the instructions sound so simple and straight forward resonating against your skull, right?

I find it completely amusing, and maybe not surprising at all, that my riding trainer and voice teacher have much of the same things to say.
 
My upper body needs to back the hell off and calm the fuck down.
 
I meticulously analyzed several videos of Meredith Michaels-Beerbaum, one of my go-to idols for references as top examples of great equitation. It's starting to make more and more sense, watching her posture, position, seat, legs, and carriage, integrated with all the things that Karly has been stressing at my lessons. Directly related are Jennifer's observations of my overall bodily tension, which is quite literally all over the place, but mostly concentrated in my upper body. Arms, chest, shoulders, neck, even head. Tension gathered from sources that I had never even thought of before, such as the ways I drive and carry my backpack. Tension that has become more natural to my body than relaxation over many, many years of terrible habits and negative instincts, that I don't even know it's there anymore. My upper body doesn't seem to want to stay out of the way for anything and leave my core free to do its job. It happens when I sing, and it happens when I ride. It always wants to help, and it's almost become a reflexive fight or flight response, constantly on alert, whether the call for a defensive mechanism is real or not.
 
And I'm willing to bet that Candy feels every bit of it when I'm on her. All the time.
 
Tuesday was not one of my successful practice ride days. It was relatively hot in the afternoon, and for whatever reasons, Candy decided to be a brat again. I resorted back to a bridle with a flash and bit guards, refusing to end the day with her tug-o-war game. But honestly, it was probably mostly me, again. My tension, my lack of flexibility in my middle and lower body, my forgetting to breathe, my tightness in all the places that should never be clenched when I'm on a moving horse. Coupled with the heat, and the fact that I should expect a restless, impatient horse after another whole week of no work, it wasn't the most fun time for me. Yes, I realize that I need to ride more often, and that it's not a good idea to ride two days in a row, and then not ride again until a week later. That and maybe I'm rushing the warming up time. Also, my fault for allowing myself to slip out of shape again. When was the last time I did yoga? So, at least two yoga classes this week, no excuses. How can I expect Candy to be in better shape, when her rider isn't keeping up with her side of it?

I need to retrain my body, as well as my brain. Muscle memory takes time to build, and even more time to undo and redo.
 
I know, I know, life isn't easy these days, and time is so limited. No news there. I should be used to it by now. There aren't enough hours in one day, and I It's rare for me to feel fully rested, and almost everyday is a struggle between activities and rest, which is more worth it. Hobbies, friends, and sleep, choose at most two out of the three. But you pick your battles, preferably the ones that you think you have better chances at winning. Thus is the way of life. If you want something, you work for it, and you make time for it while sacrificing other things for it, no matter what happens. And that, comes with practice as well, as I've come to realize well.

The good thing about practice, is that the more you do it, the better you get at it.

Settling down, and making sure to have a life

Time management is an acquired skill. It really is something that you actually have to learn, and then practice to get better at. Balancing work and family life, maintaining equilibrium between a hectic school schedule and a personal life, and getting everything that you have to do done on time regularly without ditching all of your hobbies are all life skills that you must constantly work on and continue to master throughout a lifetime. Those take time to get a hang of, and I, for one, will never say that it's something easy to learn. After two weeks of losing my head, I'm now starting to regain at least some amount of control. Granted, I did expect resuming school after years of sitting around with barely anything to do to be crazy in the very beginning, especially with one heck of a commute five days a week. I still have much to work on regarding planning out my days and following through with the plans, as well as not overbooking myself and leaving enough wiggle room for unexpected changes. But, I'm settling into a routine, and it's getting easier as I go.

This heat needs to die, just saying.

Yesterday evening, we had another dressage lesson, because I didn't want to push Candy too hard in the high 80s temperature, especially after having jumped her the day before. First half of the lesson was all lateral and circular work, involving endless leg yields. The second half was all canter, which, despite still finding the dressage saddle highly awkward, I actually managed very well overall. Our cantering has vastly improved. It may have had a lot to do with just fiddling around and trying things out. Isn't it amazing, how the littlest things seem to have the biggest impacts? Loosening Candy's nose band by one hole, lengthening the stirrups by one hole, sitting more forward in the saddle with my "down there" touching the pommel instead of not, lifting my inside hip into a turn, rounding my shoulders and sending them back more... itty bitty moments that make up one big "that's all, folks". It's true what Karly says, that 99% of riding mishaps are rider errors. And often times, they are nothing more than small adjustments to tweak out here and there, and then things just fall into place. That, my friends, is where time and practice come in.

There is no question, that Candy is not an easy horse to ride. She's not a horse that your average rider would be happy to put up with. But, there is also no question that the difficult horses have the most to teach, and that a horse like Candy is what will make a rider a good rider. There will be off days. There will be frustrations. There will be "oh crap" moments. But in the end, there will be no regrets, and no going back.

It was only near the very end of our lesson, when Candy discovered that it was dinner time and that she was in the ring working instead of getting fed, did she start to lose patience with me. That, was completely understandable. I held out a bit longer before letting her have her way. As if I can't personally relate, that feeling when you're hangry, knowing that others nearby are eating, seeing food out, and not being able to get to it fast enough.

I waited for Candy to eat her dinner, and took my time finishing up. It was one hell of a workout, another muscle and cardio day for both Candy and me. It's incredible, how much exercise flat work can be. I was wonderfully sore afterwards, and of course, I got home later than I'd aimed for, again. Ezra was more than awesome enough to make dinner for us. I was tired enough to fall asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. Man, I tell ya, it was a good day. I'd accomplished everything that I'd wanted to, and it ended with a great riding lesson. For me, when in doubt, just go riding. There will never be a time, when I say to myself, "I really regret that ride today." No matter how busy I get, no matter what life throws at me, and no matter how little time there seems to be available to me, I will always ride, and I will always ride often, and more.

Labor Day weekend

Happy Labor Day! The best way to spend a third day off? A couple of extra hours at the barn, grooming and loving on the pony that I'd neglected for 2 weeks, of course! Boo that Ezra has had to work 2 out of the 3-day weekend. But that meant more time with my pony for me, with no guilt involved at all.

In all honesty, I felt awful. I'd seen Candy twice in the last 2 weeks. All excuses aside, it wasn't acceptable to me. I should've made the time, I should've sucked up being tired, I should've gone and ridden more than my 2 lessons over a 2-week period. I tried to make up for it as much as possible today. I did some of the circular leg yield exercises that Karly taught me the last time. I did a mini jump course. Well, more like setting up a few tiny jumps and then going at them in no certain order whatsoever, in whichever direction I felt like going after Candy started cantering. Candy did well. None of that mad dashing stunt that she pulled on me the last time. I was content enough to not push her today. The summer weather still insists on sticking around a bit longer, even though I was highly hoping for signs of fall after last week, and Candy takes heat about as well as I do.

I did decide to go on a trail ride and finally check out Susquehanna State Park. It turned out that trail riding isn't Candy's thing. The entire time, it didn't seem like she was able to make herself relax and enjoy the views at all. The running streams and rustling leaves made her uneasy, and the movements and sounds coming from the woods on both sides only unsettled her more. She refused to let me stop at any point, as if she just wanted to get out of there. I had to lift my guard up high, because the last thing I needed was a spook that would land me onto gravel and send my horse shooting off into the unknown. Not to mention the number of cars that constantly needed to get by us, that we'd probably annoyed. It's ok, Candy. It's not that exciting anyway. Even I was feeling claustrophobic on the narrow trail caved in by trees left, right, and over, and I'm certainly no fan of rocky grounds. Next time, we'll take the open field areas around the pastures on the property, where Leigh uses for cross-country lessons from time to time. I think we'll both be much more comfortable with a wider space, and I've been told that Candy loves cross-country.

On a side note, to my delight, I saw that Candy just got her feet done again. Her new shoes look to be a much better fit, and her hooves look like they've had a 180-degree turn-around since the first time I laid eyes on them. The farrier did an amazing job trimming the edges and filing down the cracks, and the bad parts look like they should be all grown out by the time her next pedicure comes around. I shall keep up with the apple cider vinegar hoof treatment. I'm convinced that it's been helping.

I made sure to give Candy a close check-over and extra pampering. I made her a snack of Cheerios with salt and garlic powder after we were done for the day. I gave her an extended rinse-down. I treated her girth itch with M-T-G. I brushed out her mane and tail until not one single bit of knot could be found. I even wiped her eye boogers. I sprayed apple cider vinegar on the little bit of rain rot that was left on her hind legs. Then I spritzed her well with fly spray, and gave her a ton of rubs and kisses. Honestly, I had so missed spending time with her.

In good timing, Karly shared this article on Facebook: Horsemanship Does Not Begin or End In the Saddle. It really rings true to me. As long as Candy is going to work for me, I'm going to take care of her, to the best of my abilities. The time I spend getting to know her and figuring her out goes far beyond the saddle. Not to mention, I enjoy being with her. No time spent with her is wasted time. I love her and cherish every moment of her company, her existence. I try to keep it under 3 hours every time I go to the barn. It never happens though. Certain things, on somedays, I can skip. Others, not unless I take a fall and get injured. I'm her rider, and therefore she's my responsibility. She's also my partner, my teammate, my best friend, for whom I only want the best, of everything possible. 

On a related subject, for Candy, I'm going to give up yoga classes until I start bringing in an income. While at the Renaissance Festival on Saturday, Ezra and I had a long discussion on our finances, which, of course, directly correlates with my monthly hobby expenses that happen to be all too high. Giving up Candy is unthinkable. That leaves me with the only alternative option. As soon as I start working and bringing home some money, I shall rejoin a yoga studio and take real classes again. In the meantime, starting next month, I will subscribe to a membership on YogaGlo and have unlimited monthly access to Kathryn Budig's online yoga classes and tutorials. I will also get Kathryn Budig's book of yoga for a guide. Ezra will build me a yoga floor over the carpet in our spare bedroom with plywood. I will create a yoga space with what I have, and I will do yoga at home as much as I can. I'm still a yogi and always will be. I will continue practicing yoga on a regular basis. I will set foot in a real studio again in the near future, and I will also start a consistent home practice. Just remember, this time will pass. This hard time for us will not last forever. There will come a time, when I will be able to do everything that I love without any worry or restraint. That time will come. I just need to be patient, and do what I can until then.

Decisions, some will always be harder than others

Something that I did today, I had ruminated on it long and hard. It was a painfully difficult decision, but alas, one that had to be made regardless. I'm canceling my membership at Peace Yoga when my four-month contract ends in October. My heart was lead heavy when I sent Heather the email, and I still want to cry just thinking about it. The one-hour commute to Towson and back 5 days a week can knock me over. Adding 35 to 40 minutes of driving to Bel Air and back a couple of times a week to my already crazy load of driving has become more and more daunting. The last thing that I want is for going to yoga classes to become one more source of exhaustion and stress in my life. I've been sapped of time, energy, and not to mention money. More time on the road plus more gas on top of it simply won't help. A 75-minute yoga class takes up a total of 3 hours of my day, with me spending almost as much time on driving for it as the class itself, and I just don't have enough hours in my day these days, nor enough energy. I'm going to crank it out this month, take as much advantage of the remainder of my membership as possible, make it all as positive as can be and then come October, I'm going to leave on a good note. I will be looking into joining Beachbee Yoga in Havre de Grace, which is all of 8 miles from home, with cheaper rates even, and I've only heard good things about the studio. I know I'm doing the right thing for myself. In order for me to be able to enjoy life and actually get what I want out of all my hobbies, I need to reduce my loads as much as possible, and not pile too much on myself for any reason. It breaks my heart to not take classes with Meghan, Tracy, and Heather again, but I'm sure they all understand. Perhaps someday, when life calms down for me, our paths will cross once more.

Oh, have I mentioned that I'm not doing a recital for my graduate project after all? I found out that in order to put on a graduate recital, no matter for what degree program, I would need to go through the voice department. Not only are they the ones in charge of setting it up, but also would they be the ones to grade and assess it. I would have no choice but to take lessons from someone on the voice faculty, and they want two consecutive terms of lessons minimum prior to the recital. So with that 4-year gap, my 4 terms of voice lessons prior wouldn't even matter. All of that added to one big fat oh hell no from me. I got together with Dr. McCabe, and following her recommendation, I'll be doing a research project instead, utilizing my student teaching opportunities next semester. Much better idea in every way possible. That one, was not a hard decision to make. Now, all the pressure is off. No recital to worry about, no new music to learn, no having to rush lessons just to put a recital together. I can just concentrate on myself, and sing for my own purposes. Yep, I'm doing this for me, and no one else. I'll be damned if I let anyone control me again. My voice is mine, my singing is mine, my artistic development is mine. "They" will never again have the pleasure of judging any part of me. "They" are permanently shut out of my life and will never be invited back in. If major changes of plans are required to ensure these stay in place, then I have zero hesitations and even less regrets.

Related note: my first lesson with my new voice teacher went very well today. I was nervous, obviously tired, and never mind that my voice is all over the place. But after just a little bit of listening to me and playing around with a few different trial and error exercises, right away, Jen was able to diagnose my biggest issue, which, honestly, I probably have been having since the start 10 years ago. Basically, I need to beat my tongue into submission. My tongue's tension and tendency to retract is what's been plugging up the back of my throat, pulling my soft pallet down with it, creating tension around my larynx, and keeping my sound trapped beneath. So, tongue stretches whenever I can, and Jen has already given me warm-up homework. She assigned me one of the Bellini art songs from my old repertoire, and I'll be sure to have it ready when I see her again in 2 weeks. I'll be having biweekly lessons with her in her home in Catonsville on Monday afternoons, after I'm done with classes at Towson. I'm really excited for this. Jen is a lovely and super sweet person, and I can already tell, a superb vocal technician and instructor. I think I'm in the best hands possible, and most importantly, I'm going to enjoy working with her, and having her fix me up in time. And I think I made a good first impression as well. I'm looking forward to Jen and I getting to know each other more and developing a good teacher-student relationship. I could certainly always use more mentors in my life, and I'm very much confident that I can trust my voice with Jen. Perhaps it's really not a bad thing that I have forgotten/lost a lot of my singing from lack of use for years. Maybe a long rest was exactly what I needed to loosen the bad habits and reset some muscle memory. Now, I can start over on a clean slate with no demands, no specific set of expectations. Just let me learn how to sing better for now, and I'll worry about the rest later.

Do it because you love it, above all else

Monday night's vinyasa yoga class with Meghan was a big hit. The class was totally booked. Of course, the beginning of a new month, and everybody felt the need to go to yoga on Monday. It was full to the rim, but surprisingly not overwhelming. I enjoyed every bit of it, despite the limited space. It amazed me, because normally, crowded yoga classes make me nervous and uncomfortable, being moderately claustrophobic. However, I did well, and I worked hard.

I felt like I had finally gotten my strength back, and my breath as well. I guess my ribs have finally healed completely. I was breathing my beloved and familiar deep breaths and moving with them, expanding my torso, and using the air going in and out of my lungs to propel me in and out of poses, fully and deeply. I felt energized and fueled again, and the love of yoga spread through my limbs, wrapping me over like a cozy blanket, lighting me up from the inside out. I felt happy. I felt complete. I felt awesome being there in the studio. Granted, skipped and modified poses still had to happen. But I didn't mind. What I cared about was the fact that I was there, and that I was practicing yoga, under the guidance of one of my favorite teachers in the world. I was simply feeling great, and loving it.

Tuesday night, despite the heat wave, I had my riding lesson. It was quite apparent from the start that not seeing Candy for a whole week made a difference, in the other direction. It was as if I'd forgotten everything I'd learned from the week before. Of course, I knew I had legitimate reasons for having not practiced my riding since my last lesson. The first week of school was insane, and no one would blame me for it. Nevertheless, I still felt a bit ashamed, especially with Candy's obvious restlessness followed by more moments of uncontrollable excitements. It did take two close calls before I figured out one of the leading culprits: someone had gotten to her saddle and shortened the stirrups. What the hell? How? Who would've used that saddle, since I'd assume that everyone knows it's Candy's, and who could've possibly ridden Candy without asking Leigh or myself first? Barn gremlins' assassination attempt? Well, after I lengthened the stirrups, Candy did manage to calm down, and we finished on a good note. The heat and humidity were doing a number on us both. I was glad to finally get to use the new wither pad on her, which I'd so happily gotten but had left sitting in the backseat of my car for a week, and I think it's helping her a lot. It was already dark by the time I got off at 8pm, and by the time I got everything packed up and put away, it was pitch black. Boo, shorter days. But please, let cooler weather come with it soon, please! I'm beyond done with this heat!

I don't know exactly when I'd gotten the chance to really think about this, but it's not always a bad thing when I start to really think, and think a lot, about something. I listened to myself confide in Ezra, and I was proud of myself for it. Perspectives matter, so much, for so many things. Recently, reading articles related to music education philosophies have inspired me. Just like we shouldn't be teaching any academic subject just for taking tests, we shouldn't be teaching music just for putting on concerts at the end of the year. Guess what? The same principle applies to what I do outside of my future career, competitively or no. I'm not taking voice lessons and practicing singing just so I can get hired by an opera company by a certain point in the near future. I'm not taking yoga classes and practicing yoga just so I can get yoga teacher certified by a certain point in the near future. I'm not taking riding lessons and practicing riding just so I can compete in horse shows by a certain point in the near future. Even if Candy ends up never taking me into a show ring, she still will have given me more than all my previous years combined as a rider who's learning how to ride, and how to ride well and better. Even if I never get to go to a single show with her before her eventual retirement, because of her, I will have gained countless valuable hours spent working on my horsemanship and equitation techniques. I will become a great rider with what I will have learned from her, and then I will only go on to become an even greater rider after her. I do it because I love it. I do it because it makes me happy, because I need it in my life, because it gives me something that I crave. I'm not trying to make money out of it. There's no deadline, no time frame, no rules, no set steps. Every time I ride, I'm better for it, and every time I ride, I gain something from it, simply because I went and did it. Every time I get on is going to be better than not getting on at all. Every ride is an improvement. Every ride is room for growth that I take advantage of. The only bad ride is one that does not happen. If, by any chance, I do happen to go far with it, god bless me, good for me. But that's not what I'm worried about, and that's not what I have to do in my life. I'm not training with the Olympics in mind. I'm training now just to get better at riding, and that's good enough for me. And guess what? It's fun for me, so there!

Life is short. Too short. Do what you love. Do what you truly enjoy. Do what makes your soul happy through and through, instead of only what you think you have to, or what you need to do just for the sake of getting to a certain point that you have decided to put in place for your future. Do things just for the heck of doing things. Do them for fun, for love, for you, with little to no focus on where you want to go with it. As long as you keep doing it because it makes you happy, it will continue to give you what you might never have even asked from it in the beginning.

Just keep moving forward

I have my old accompanist back. I have a new voice teacher. All of a sudden, it seems like so many things are moving forward at once! Maybe a little bit too fast, even.

I finally gathered enough courage to reach out to Jennifer Blades, a mezzo-soprano with whom my old friend Tania has been taking lessons from. She has graciously agreed to accept me into her studio. I will be meeting her this Thursday, and have a voice lesson again, for the first time in 4 years. I'm giddy and anxious at the same time. I have only heard good things about Jen. I have no doubt that with her help, I will get my voice back in no time. Oh, to actually sing again, for the first time after so long! 

I had my necessary few hours of wallowing in self-pity and low self-esteem today. I think I just had to get it out of my system some more, even if it has to be a few chunks at a time over some time. What if I'm just not good enough? What if I'll never be good enough at anything, no matter what I do and how hard I try? What if I'm a lousy musician, rider, yogi, and even wife? What if I'm doing everything wrong, messing everything up, and improving too slowly? What if I'm not improving fast enough for anyone's standards? What if I'll never make it in anything, jack of all trades, master of none? What if "they" were right about me?

I confessed to Ezra that there are times, when even though I want to go riding all the time, I don't feel up for going riding because honestly, I'm afraid; I'm afraid of not being able to tell if I'm doing things right; I'm afraid of going riding and then not riding well; I'm afraid of making some major mistakes, not have a good ride, come home disappointed; I'm afraid of not even knowing if I'm riding poorly, thus practicing toward even more bad habits and bad equitation. It was good to finally let it out and hear myself say it out loud, to someone who knows and understands me well. I guess I just had to hear it from Ezra, my ever pragmatic, practical, and encouraging husband: "if you're having fun, isn't that what matters?"

Now, let's try something else. What if I'm an amazing musician, rider, yogi, and wife? What if I've been doing everything right? What if I'm improving and getting better at what I do everyday, and excelling in everything that I've chosen to be a part of that makes me happy in my life? What if I'm actually great at what I do, all of it? What if there is absolutely no reason for me to have any doubt about myself, and my capabilities? What if my new voice teacher will totally love me?

I've gotten it all out. Now, let it go. Let it go for good. I will not let "them" win. "They" cannot, will never get to dictate my level of success. I am awesome, and I'm great at everything that I love doing. No matter what happens, no one can make me stop believing in myself, and I will win!

You don't have to do it all all the time

There will be times, when it's a good thing to admit that you can't do it all constantly. There will be times, when you just can't do everything you want to all the time. And I have come to accept that it's ok.

I'm taking this weekend off to recover from a very exhausting first week of school, and I'll be ready to restart in kickass mode next week when I'm rested and recuperated. Candy will understand, and I'm sure everyone else will understand as well.

Let's face it, the first week of school is rough on everyone. Who gets anything done the first week of school, other than being back in school? It's usually not until the second week of school at least that we all begin to feel like we're getting an ounce of control back into our lives. No, I'm not making excuses. It's simply the truth that I'd forgotten because I'd been out of school for too long, that I don't even remember what the first week of school is normally like, especially for college students. Being this tired shouldn't come as a surprise. It should've been expected. After 4 years, it's a bit of a shock on my system. And the difference between being 28 and being 24, I never would've imagined it being this noticeable. Yeah... what happened to all my energy? 

I think I might've written some amount on this before: that you do what you love because you love it, not because you feel like you have to do it or have no choice but to love it. It's true. If you feel like you have to drag your heels, then what's the point? I love riding and yoga with every fiber of my being. But if I'm hurting, or fatigued, or not feeling well, or just not up for it, then wouldn't they become chores that I have to force myself through as opposed to hobbies that I enjoy when I can and when I feel like it? The last thing I want is to feel obligated to go to the barn or the yoga studio. I don't want them to turn into things that I have to do instead of things that I want to do. And I've learned my lesson on this: the more I push myself when I shouldn't be, the more I force myself to go and go when I should be taking a step back and go easier on myself, the more they become responsibilities instead of recreations. I ride and do yoga because I want to and love to, not because I'm duty bound to. And I'm sure neither my trainer nor my yoga teachers would ever want riding and yoga to become obligations that I feel I must attend to so often at certain intervals, that I can't get away from at all even when I truly need to temporarily.

When you need a break, you need a break. For any reason, or for no reason at all. The world will still go on when you get back. It's a much better idea to hit the stop button, walk away for a bit, give yourself some time, and then start up again fully recharged, than to shove yourself through mud and grime, beat your body into submission, feel as if you have a deadline to meet in every corner, and desperately flail your way through as if your life depended on it, and all the time, growing weaker and sadder with every step because you refuse to let yourself refuel. 

No matter how important something is to me, I know I need to be able to say "no, not today" without feeling guilty. Because it's ok. There's a tomorrow, a next week, a next month. Once again, what's the rush? Candy will be here. Peace Yoga will be here. I will be here. I don't have to do it all at once. I don't even have to do it all in a short time. Take your time, catch your breath, regain your strength. Whenever you need to. And every time, it's more than ok for you to do so.

TGIF

Slight change in plan. Riding has been rescheduled to tomorrow. I was simply too tired today, and my entire right leg hasn't stopped making its opinions known. I did, at last, go see my doctor for it. She prescribed anti-inflammatory medication and physical therapy. I must remember to make an appointment on Monday. Fingers crossed that it works! The doctor doesn't think it's something too serious, yet. It could just be inflammation and minor patella injury, no more. It's not going to stop me or slow me down or anything though. Riding and yoga shall proceed as planned. I did appreciate a day off. I sure needed it. I felt bad not going to see Candy today, but then again, how can I take good care of my pony, if I don't take good care of myself first?

That brings me to another topic. I can't help but wonder if I'm about to pile too much onto my plate, again. Why is it always so hard for me to be sure?

Course load, field experience days, and professional portfolio aside, I want to stick to my original plan of a recital for my graduate project to complete my master's degree this year. And guess what? Putting together a graduate recital is a boat load of work, as if no one has seen that one coming. I'll have to squeeze out more time for daily vocal practicing, repertoire selection, score learning, and coaching sessions with my accompanist. For someone who's been out of this whole loop for 4 years, this is going to be anything but easy. I need to get my voice back in time, new pieces learned, dictions honed, and save ample rehearsal times with Katya. As if my schedule isn't already stuffed to the rim with classes, internships, homework, riding, yoga, and home caretaking, now I need more time to sing, too. Also, pulling a whole recital together without the supervision of a teacher is more than a bit daunting, something I've never done before in my 10 years on the music scene. Can I really get away with not taking lessons at all, and still pull this off well?

If there's any time for me to start fully believing in myself, it's now. I have to not stop saying to myself that I can do this, that I will succeed, and that I am good enough. It's a risk, but it's a chance that I have to take. It's one way to prove myself, to show "them" how wrong they were about me those years ago, and to let the world know that this is the real Holly Carr, the super awesome kickass music teaching, yoga practicing, and horseback riding opera singer!

In our own special ways, we can have it all.

First week down

My everywhere hurts, especially my feet from all the walking. I'm exhausted. Yeah, unfortunately, I'm not going to yoga tonight. I'm about to drop dead, and my whole body is crying for mercy.

And idiots be like... you don't know what tired is until you have kids. People who say stuff like this clearly have never gone to a day of college.

I got more errands done today after my one Thursday morning class, including a trip to the university bookstore for some course materials. Side note: there are perks to early morning classes and having to be at school by the crack of dawn. Under normal circumstances, never any problem finding a parking spot. When noon rolls around, the garages are jam packed. Also, Towson University is seeing me with makeup on for the first time. Behold the spectacle that is Holly wearing makeup to school!

I finally got around to taking my engagement ring to Smyth Jewelers in Timonium to get resized. While waiting for my wedding band's 1-hour spa treatment, I took a quick drive up to the Dover Saddlery store in Sparks, just a little ways away. I'm proud of my self-control. I managed to walk out with only exactly what I needed to get from there, and nothing more. Despite having to walk at least one round and admire the lines of beautiful bridles, bits, girths, and boots that I so want Candy to have, I only bought what I absolutely could not find one of at the barn to use that Candy really needs, which is a front riser wither pad, the kind that Karly told me to get for some saddle relieve, until she muscles up around her spine again. I can't wait for her to use it. I think she's going to feel much better with it! But oh, the longing, the temptation, the coveting feelings. Next year, Candy, next year. As soon as I land a job, one year from now, I will pamper you rotten, with all kinds of lovely new things, I promise! I will buy you monthly supplements, top quality fly sprays, the most delicious treats, plus a bridle and girth of your own, and maybe a full set of boots, too. You'll get new and colorful saddle pads, more and nicer wither pads, hoof polish, and maybe even a fly mask. Let these dreamy thoughts keep me motivated and help me through what's for sure going to be a tough year. The fact that all of last year's intensive term interns who became certified and who applied for music teaching jobs are now employed is certainly comforting news. If I could just cover my portion of our bills, there should be no objection to me spoiling my pony.

Random fact of the day: apparently I have a very memorable face, but a very unmemorable name. More than one former professor of mine have said something along the line of "I recognize your face, but what's your name again?" Well, as long as I stay clear of the voice department, my PTSD will not be triggered. I'm already starting to get used to being on campus again, and the Center for the Arts building. This time, I've gone in with a whole different attitude and perspective. I'm there to learn, to complete my education, to get my degree and my teacher certification that'll get me a real and hopefully good job afterwards. I'm not there to kiss anyone's ass. 

Thank the gods, tomorrow I have off. No field experiences this week. The plan is to ride tomorrow evening, and do yoga Saturday morning. Oh, and at some point, I need to get started on homework, too.

By the way, school is expensive, did you know that? I feel like this first week of back to school is making our bank account weep. Yes, it'll get better, once I'm settled and no longer need to buy food at school, and have everything I need for my classes. Until then... I'm beyond grateful that my student loans are now on deferment.